IDK

It’s been a while…my energy levels have been quite stable since winter so I didn’t feel the need to write. But to every up there is a down, right now I’m feeling overwhelmed so let’s acknowledge it and take care of it soon enough. I will be fine and I know that no one has an answer for me and can tell me what to do. I know that there’s no way of knowing in advance what the best decision is. I’m just trying to lay everything down and go ahead with my day. Since I got a break from chronic pain I swore I would make the best of every situation and not let myself down again.

That being said, the problem does still lies in that damn body. I am far from qualifying for the “disabled” stamp, and after years of research I gave up on trying to diagnose anything. Like the docs say, if anything I’m so low on the spectrum of every possible diagnosis that it makes no sense trying to push one. But still, every part of this body is mildly dysfunctioning. Every job in the world requires your body in one way or another. Every job, from the survival 9-5 to the grand ambitious projects, has the potential to make some of these mild dysfunctions pretty severe in no time. Up until now, I got away with maintaining my secretary gig by successfully hiding the fact that the scarcity of my tasks allow me to go easy on myself, my joints and back (most of the time at least). However, I never planned to stay in this situation. I hate this job from the bottom of my heart and always tried to use my free time (and back pain credits) to actually work on other stuff and develop some skills in fields that do make me want to get up in the morning instead of bingeing to death.

My go-to, high-risk/high-reward plan has always been music. It’s what I do best. It’s where my magic is. I believe I can do it, even if I can never fully live off of it, even if I only end up gathering a tiny following, I want to share my stuff to the best of my ability. The prospect of touring still seems a bit unrealistic considering my health, but I’d be quite content with fronting a project just once for fun, then focusing on a more sedentary producer situation.

Now look, I’ve had tinnitus for years. I’ve always dealt with it quite well. Docs think it’s because of either my jaw issue or my misbehaving eustachian tubes, rather than sound damage, since the tests show no concerning hearing loss. But of course as always, there’s NO way to be sure it’s not sound damage. If you have it, you know the deal. No one knows a damn thing about it.

There’s also NO way of being sure the recent increase of that stupid ultrasonic frequency I’ve been hearing is just me being paranoid or actually happening. There’s no way of comparing side by side, no before/after button. And if it is real, I’m not gonna drop everything by fear that sound is the cause when it could just be my stupid jaw or allergies. That would be the most ridiculous thing ever. It’s the third time it happens in a year and I’m tired of stressing out.

There’s no way of knowing and yet my future is at stake. Do I just ignore and carry on? Is it really reasonable to go on with something that will always make me so anxious and unsure? Should I just go for plan B? Plan C?

No one knows and no one will tell me. I’m alone with this and I have to deal with it. It sucks.