1/8/19

Im so angry. so sad.  I want to scream and cry at the same time.  my adhd/anxiety/depression/you name it is all over the fucking map. i had a simple evening in mind. maybe i expect too much. but i know i don’t.  i really dislike cooking. i have for a long time now. this is sad. because once upon a time i had a passion for cooking. tonight i planned a simple meal of chicken thighs, broccoli, leftover potatoes.  then a game night with the kids. somehow, someway it all tuned to shit. H decided to make a soup that he had bought the ingredients for. Not for dinner tonight – but to have for lunches and maybe a light dinner on another night. Hey I’m all for planning ahead. Great idea honey. the recipe was so involved that he was under my feet while i was trying to get dinner on. then he sends D to get her shower just as I’ve got dinner about ready. a pot of quinoa that was supposed to cook for the soup got knocked off the stove and exploded all over the kitchen. i’m so fucking angry over the whole situation. I left the kitchen for him to deal with it. he’s just called D and myself downstairs to dinner. i want to scream fuck you at the top of my lungs.

1/9/19

but i don’t. he cleaned up the mess. we ate dinner. i slowly recovered from my seething anger. the four of us played a game and had a better evening.

i don’t sleep well these days. menopause and medications are disrupting any really restorative sleep. but i’m ok.

i’ve got some catching up to do since my last entry on aug 10th. i’ve missed this place and all of my friends here. i look forward to catching up with all of you. in the meantime…..H and i went on our anniversary trip at the end of august and it was absolutely wonderful. perfect trip. we went to switzerland, hiked in the alps, took a day trip to a small village in france, was awed by the beauty of it all. it was restorative for us. reminded us of why we are together. reminded us that we have a good love.

i changed jobs. yes that finally happened. i was offered a job with a local school district. i had interviewed in august. it went well. i asked them when they expected to fill the position and told them i would be out of the country on vacation the last week of aug. OK no prob, we’ll let you know before then. well they called me while i was away. it was 9pm for me. i was jet lagged, had a few drinks aaaand had eaten a pot granola bar. i explained the situation (not the pot part). she was all apologies for forgetting that i was away. asked me if i could talk to which i replied yes (that was a big risk). i somehow managed to keep it together enough to accept the job that was offered. i followed up the next day with a clear headed email. but oh boy that was such a weird experience! makes for a great story and great memory of that trip.  so – the job. i am a teaching assistant for special education. i am a 1:1 with 7th grade boy whose diagnosis is “emotional disturbance”. he is a smart kid. has no intellectual disabilities. he doesn’t need a ta. he needs serious mental health counseling. but the school district has decided to put a ta with him and i have a job. it’s a frustrating position. he doesn’t need me. he resents me. but i do my best. the job is low stress, low pay, good benefits. i just wish it were a little more interesting.