You know that feeling when you connect with someone so damn perfectly that you feel it straight down your whole body? It’s kind of strange how friendships develops, and how it suddenly can change, or improve. It’s more of a balance, to stay in line, and make sure of all the correct phrases and sayings. But underneath it has made me thinking lately, about things I perhaps shouldn’t think of. “How would life be if it were different?” How would it be if, this or that” “How would my kids react to change and if things were differently?” Ok, my friend didn’t say anything that made me feel like this, or think like this, but it just started at it own phase and motion. It really caught me thinking of a change. Am I a bad mother or a bad wife for thinking things like that. I’m just asking my self is this the place I want to be in life?
Our days are hard and busy, me and my husband aren’t taking care of “us” as husband and wife. Because we’re drained at the end of the day, tired and we’re just exhausted. Having three kids, a home and both of us work, he works full time and I’m working part time. After loosing big amount of weight I got my energy back, but that also means I do lot of the things at home, because I work less and have the capacity to do it. But it’s also “expected” of me to do it because I am a mother. Please don’t misunderstand, I love being in control when it comes to my kids, I like being the one making them food, wash the clothes, put things together and just be there to comfort when they need a hug or just need a mother to hold them. Nothing is better than mother-hugs. I also do the chores around the house, that gives me a good structure of things. Having twins and a older girl turning 9 this year does things, it makes you keep it together, it forces you to hold up a few things back at home. I hate folding clothes, or take out of the dishwasher, but I do it because it has to be done. I can’t just oversee some of the chores because the job will only GROW bigger! Better just do it when it’s small.
In the end of the day what this all is boiled down to is, someone is asking how I feel, someone is giving me attention and someone is sharing from their life! And I care about that. I like getting the attention, I like when someone ask me how my day was and I love when people ask me for advice. When someone has an interest of you as a person, as friend, it makes you feel alive, living and things are good. But I’m starting to think that the busy days we’re in are killing the relationship I’m in. We don’t self-care, we don’t show we love each others because we’re just so damn tired. We run automatically, we do all the things that are expected. Oh and then there is corona! That too make things a bit worse to say the least. Going for the movies, going to a restaurant, or just chill in public in a park. Now that’s something we cannot do anymore because we have to wear total protection of gear just to protect our self from the virus! Yes I get that, so we stay home, we all stay home. And things are running as usual. But living? I doubt anyone of us are living. Things were better. This will either collapse or go over I’m sure, but staying in this storm is really making me think.
If I ask my self am I happy, or miserable? do I love my husband, do I have feelings left for him? The answer is of course yes, but things are wearing us out. We need to get back in business, a normal day of living. We cannot do anything of how the kids are running here at home, it’s a phase and they grow bigger, but still. Everything placed me in a position where I was really thinking about this.
Please make the moments you’re able of making count, make them count. God bless us all, and I hope for better days and this shitty storm to go over soon!