Idle Spiral

 Tonight was the XXL Steak Nachos from Taco Bell. I think the horrible fast food experiment is done for now. Or, ever, haha. I feel miserable already. Hopefully they disappear into the archives of mediocrity soon.

Work was acceptable today. I didn’t mess up any sticks, so that’s something. Tomorrow I work in processing, so I get to avoid everyone save for several co-workers, and then I get a day off. Excellent. 

I’ve started writing lyrics again, so that’s a plus. It had been a while. I found a new song to listen to. Just one, when I am in need of a lot of new music. I wonder how many times I can listen to it before it grows old.

No word from Miranda about tomorrow. I think I officially give up. I know how most girls are, they check their phones often. Heck, I know how she is, because when she stayed over and we watched TV she’d be checking her phone every now and then. I can’t differentiate her from any flaky like interest in the past any longer, even if she is different. She seems the same. People…all seem the same. I even messaged some people on the dating sites last night, instead of making excuses not to try. No responses. Alas. Day by day I see the cracks in the facade widening. I don’t know who or what to believe about what or who. I’d rather just avoid everyone. I see nothing but my friends not keeping their promises, their honor. And those are the people I like, what about everyone else? Everything I want to do in life involves people. It’s a cruel contradiction. 

I’ll have the house to myself for a week soon, as the roomies are going home to visit. It really won’t change things much, I’m not really a part of household activities. I won’t have to deal with Kyle though, and going through his room to use the other bathroom. God, I hate that. He even laundry jacked me earlier. I had stuff in the washer that had been sitting overnight, because his stupid sheets were in the dryer for hours. And then he takes my shit out, and has stuff in the washer and dryer when I get there. And I had a small load. What a dick. They’re all playing a game out on the living room along with the super cute chick from the club the other night. I wasn’t invited to partake, and I didn’t ask to. At least there are no formalities here, on this night. Why is the guy with a girlfriend the one who has her number, even if at best it’s only to invite her over to hang out with everyone? I won’t even bother trying to get to know her. It seems like a setup for failure. As do people not keeping their commitments. Co-workers not helping me out even though I’m the newest and slowest person on the floor by far. It all reiterates the need for self. To be the best I can be. I can’t count on anyone else to help me out. I can’t count on them to be there. I don’t want them to.

It’s difficult to gauge how bad things are, or how shitty people are. I can tell I’m seeing everything in grey. It all seems so lifeless and empty. People seem so petty and cold. I know  how my cynicism skews my perception, just not the extent of the distortion. Another reason to avoid people until I feel better. Luckily, they’re not making it hard to, or they’re even doing the avoiding for me.

Log in to write a note
December 19, 2012

It’s going to be hard for me to keep up if you continue writing every night! Not that I’m complaining! It’s nice to have you around again 🙂 I hope you work your way through this cynical thing soon. I mean I kinda understand about people, but I feel like it’s so much nicer on the other side. When you no longer care about them and just do your own thing. Just my opinion though.