where are the tears

Is it my physical proximity? Is there something wrong with me?

I am walking around in a state of fear and sorrow the likes of which I don’t believe I could have imagined before Tuesday. Only I just can’t seem to cry. At all. I just want the release and the health of crying to pour down on me, pour out of me.

I don’t know when or why they will come. I expect at an awkward and “inappropriate” time, of course. And it’s not as though the lack of tears is making me a highly effective person. I keep on sleeping; I lie down and don’t know what to do, even though there are needs awaiting my attention.

I cannot be physically separated from my children. I went to work yesterday; I lasted a bit over two hours I think; then the pull to get back downtown with my babies and my husband was gravitational in its imperative. My sense of time and days and priority are all out of whack, but for knowing that my babies need me, and that I need to be with them, close to them, to stay in my trafficless National Guard populated patch of the world.

Midtown is worse. People in suits and ties walking around like what they are doing matters. I prefer the silence and suspension of normal activity where I live; it seems so much more appropriate. In spite of no phone service (I never knew how much that could bother me) and Pathmark looking like some kind of field headquarters, this is home for me; and it is where I need to be right now. (Mail was delivered yesterday; and my new computer was delivered, miraculously.)

We brought down our candles last night to the makeshift alter in the middle of our courtyard; we lit them; we added them to the rest. One of our security guards placed a small flag in the midst of this testament to our hope and unity.

Even within a mile of ground zero, the human spirit struggles to proclaim itself hopeful and loving and proud.

LOVE to all.

Log in to write a note

I pray for you that they dont go to war and that you get to stay with your children i could understand how your feeling but mines different.

Sweetheart, there is nothing wrong with you because you can not cry. I think the shock of all that has happened is just too big and starting to show and that the fear of what you’re still expecting to come is not allowing you to do so and holding you on alert. Stay with your family if that comforts you because at times like these we all want to be with the ones we love. I’m thinking about you XXX

I agree with you. I don’t see the imperative to rush and put this behind us or get back to the comforts and joys of life. Perhaps alot of that is an inability to confront the horror and fear of what has happened. I’ve needed to spend some time reflecting on this, talking about this, understanding it, if for no other reason than to honor those suffering the most. There will be time to move on.

My tears finally came this morning watching Tristen take his first solo steps… my heart broke and soared all at once…. Even with all the sadness in the world his small spirit is undaunted and he goes on… he goes on of his own steam now…. I cried and held him and thanked god that I had him in my life…. It will come in time, don’t rush it, don’t force it, don’t anticipate it… God Ble

ryn: you can always email me at rubydragon63@hotmail.com Take care my friend

Holding you close in heart my friend, but then, you know that already. Loving hugs. Bren

September 1, 2003

The human spirit is the most powerful of power. Much respect.