I’m Losing It.
[Begin self-pity ranting]
I just don’t know what I am going to do. I don’t know what to do. I do know I just cannot handle anything else falling in on me right now nor can I handle any more loss right now. I’m about to give my checking account a temporary boost by writing myself a check from my credit card. So here I go, again, placing myself into debt. Yup. Why? Because I have no fucking choice anymore.
All my fucking life I’ve tried to be the opposite of my beginnings and all my fucking life I’ve had to fight for everything. I have ALWAYS done the right thing in every situation I’ve ever been presented with. Even if it was the HARD WAY. I never have taken anything from anyone that hasn’t worked for and earned. I’ve always gone out of my way to help others. I’ve always tried my fucking best to be a good person who cares about others and helps others. Yet no matter what I do? It’s never good enough it seems. Never good enough … that’s just ME. I’ve never fucking been good enough for anything and I just don’t’ know why the hell I have to fight, fight, fight for everything in my life and have always had to do so. WHY? I didn’t ask to fucking be born. I’ve taken care of so many people over my life and yet? Here I am, completely alone and fighting a losing battle to try to keep just a simple roof over my head?! I can’t help getting older, why is my fucking AGE such a fucking PROBLEM in finding a job!!!! Why doesn’t anyone think I have value anymore? I’ve worked so fucking hard for what little I have. Why does everything go away? Why does everyone just leave? Just, why??? WHY is my EXPERIENCE A FUCKING PROBLEM FOR PEOPLE? I COULD HAVE LEARNED THAT SOFTWARE PROGRAM WITHIN AN HOUR OR TWO AT THE MOST. I AM SO TIRED OF HEARING HOW GREAT I AM ONLY TO THEN HEAR, ‘BUT WE WENT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.” When can I fucking catch a break and be the SOMEONE ELSE for once?!
I was loyal to my former employer for nearly 16-years!!! I did EVERYTHING for him and I was offered higher paying jobs in corporate America and I turned them down to remain loyal to him. Then I am just tossed away like some kind of a nuisance when his pal becomes Governor and appoints him to the bench?!?! WHY couldn’t or WON’T he use his fucking contacts to give me a fucking hand up!?!?! WHY?!?!!
[/END self-pity ranting]
IF ANYONE FEELS THE FUCKING NEED TO TELL ME TO PRAY OR LEAVE IT IN GOD’S HANDS – PEASE SAVE IT!!!!!! IF THERE IS A GOD HE FUCKING HATES ME FOR SOME REASON AND ALWAYS HAS – SO WHY WOULD I PRAY TO HIM?!
Sorry that you are going through such a hard time – it is really difficult when other people don’t recognize or respect you for the things you contribute to their lives. I hope tomorrow is a better day!
@thediarymaster Hi there you! Thanks for your kind words, they’re appreciated. Thanks, too, for bringing my safe place back. I REALLY appreciate that right now.
@melancholy_1 I’m glad we can be here for you!
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I read you a long time ago on OD (didn’t you have a car you named Cindy Lou Vue??). Glad to find you again, but I’m so sorry life is throwing you for a loop. I just left a job I was at almost 20 years, and I found as I’ve looked for other work that a lot of employers have the reaction of “what’s wrong with you?” – it’s like they forget about loyalty and think you stayed so long out of sheer laziness. WTF? Things have definitely changed, and not for the better. 🙁 I hope you get a good job lead from somebody who knows their ass from their elbow soon!
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