Well, now that’s certainly a title for this entry. I have no idea where I will go in this entry or even if I can go to the places where I need to go with this entry. I guess I will just do what I have always done. Let my fingers fly across the keyboard while my thoughts continue to rage, roil, sink, ebb and flow.
Nothing has ever been easy for me, this I’ve come to accept as I’ve gone through life trying my best to do the right thing and be a good person. Mostly, I’ve done pretty well for myself, all things considered. But there’s this part of me now that I deal with on a daily basis which I hate — my inability to get out of my own head. I’ve imprisoned myself inside of my head and somewhere along the way I’ve turned my head into a very bad place. There’s no light there anymore, it’s a endless darkness that I fumble through which makes me isolate myself from the world and everyone in it. I isolate and withdraw and disappear because that is how I learned, somewhere, how to cope. But I realize now I am not coping – I am merely existing inside the hell that is my mind.
Now I have a body that has become hellish in and of itself to match. Not a day goes by now where I feel anything near well. I feel awful, constantly in pain: physical and mental and emotional. Just pain and it’s hard to want to force myself to do anything because of it all.
I have accepted that I’ve pretty much been handed an early death sentence. Somehow, all of my doctors failed to diagnose kidney failure in me until it was at stage four. There is only so much that can be done … I know my next step will have to be dialysis and a kidney transplant. The chances of me, at 50-something receiving a kidney are slim to none. I decided when I had my heart attack and learned of all of this, that I will not seek that treatment. I couldn’t take a kidney from someone else who needed one — especially someone younger. In this decision, I know I will die. All I hope and wish for is that my dogs and cats are taken care of and loved. I don’t care anything about whatever I have left in this world, which won’t be much by that time, I just care that my animals are taken care of when that time comes.
I’m breaking the law right now – for the first time ever in my life I am not following the rules of the law. This weighs on me heavily every single minute of every single day. I’ve looked at this one hundred different ways in order to right this wrong, but there is no other option available for me. Why am I forced to break the law in order to keep living a life I no longer wish to really live? Because, I have to do so, if I do the right thing, I lose the ability to pay for the drugs and medical care I need now to survive yet I survive merely to take care of my animals. This is no life – but its my life and I have to figure out how to live it.