What does your perfect life look like? What do you look like if your living in that perfect life? Do you dream about it all the time? Pray even, to whatever higher power you believe is out there?
I haven’t always hated my mother but lately I have been so angry and cold and have struggled to not contain a pain about all of the anger that I have had for her, especially from when I was a child and in my younger years of addiction. I believed that she should of fought harder for me. Then I believed she should of seen the addiction for what it really was, even when I couldn’t. But she was the adult, the mother and the non addict. I felt like she gave up and then recently I believed that her non action and non words spoken were definate examples of her hate for me.
I guess when you’ve had a life like I have and my thoughts are so confusing. The thoughts don’t always mimic the actions and because you go from up and down all of the time and then you add sleep deprivation, relationship drama, trying to be a parent, money, bills, listneing to other peoples problems…. plus the fact that I have always had the best drugs and some-times millions at my disposal. I look back and think very unclear. Confused, angry, in unchartered waters, getting advice from psychologists that have no idea about addictions and only want to treat the current circumstances. Very very confused! Where the fuck do I stand? Am I wrong with how I am feeling? Why am I all of a sudden really focussing on how my mother let me down as a child? She is just an old lady now and she tries to be supportive. She accepts all of my calls and trys to be supportive by listening to how I am feeling. But the annoyance and anger still there.
Why I am confused and angry at the moment is because just recently I got clean. I was going to the gym, trying to get involved with yoga at home and classes, staying away from other addicts, working, paying my bills, talking to family members every day, sleeping every night…. basically just being a normal cunt… well, as normal as I could be…. I even started working on an online business that I was trying to set up. There was no more staying up nights and drinking and socialising and missing birthdays and appointments and my psychologist was even impressed. I would listen to meditation music instead of pumping ghetto rap and I listened to motivational youtube clips and just felt great…..
Until I didnt!
I am not an addict God, has anyone updated you? When will my amazingness begin, today, tommorrow or ……? Wasn’t my addiction the problem and I dont know if anyone has contacted the spiritual realm but I AM CLEAN! I had made heaps of changes leading up to this time and had even cut out all the people, so I was even making new friends, kinda! I was starting to get depressed. I could feel it, oh no, I thought, if something doesnt come along soon that I can sink my teeth into I know what will happen. I will go out and have a few drinks and think I am ontop of my addiction and then I will get pissed and think I can have just one pipe. Just one night on it ! I will be fine….
Until I wasn’t….
The cycle of an addict… its infuriatingly painful and upsetting for all of the close friends and family who you told you were clean. You restore there faith in God being real and give them hope only to smash it to pieces when they see you for the fifth time in two weeks still experiencing that first night getting on it for the upteenth time in two weeks. They think, here we go again. They think its awful and many friends and family have just had to write me off over the years. I understand, as they have been through the cycle of disappointment just too many times. I can barely bare it…. so I understand. I also like it in a way… less people that actually love or care about me and so the pain lessens for me too as I no longer have to feel the disappointment and heartbreak written all over your face as well as my own!
Each time I say that I feel like this is the time! This time it feels fucking better and different and I actually honestly feel like that is the time I am going to be able to be strong enough to beat the devil…. yes, I am that stupid, I have faith that I can beat him…. one day…. today is not that day though.
I am not clean just for today! Why you may ask, or you may just roll your eyes at the fact that I am an addict to begin with. Its ok. I am more than comfortable with the judgements from people that I don’t know. But my family and my kid, and the social circle – I do give a shit about there approval too sometimes.
I don’t think that the drugs are the problem sometimes. Do you want to know what I think they are sometimes…. THE CURE.
Addicts find drugs and cannot stop for two reasons and they are because it makes life and the trauma from childhood easier to get on with life. Then you start associating with other addicts who think along these lines. After years in addiction I guess you forget about the pain or trauma that you needed to hide from or deal with and because you don’t do that you don’t get on with the life and the person that you were always meant to be. Everything goes on hold! You focus on the relationships that you get entangled in and the dramas with work or friends and eventually prison and legal problems and kids…. kids…. yep addicts have kids, selfishly of course.
So, back to my lifelong drama…. addiction… cycle of addiction…. do you have to go back all the way to look at the trauma or pain and who you were as the little version of yourself. Do you have to unpack all of that shit from ages ago that I can now barely remember and face it, cry about it, analyse the fuck out of it and how it relates to the fucked up unhealthy side of all that you do and think now….. 35 years or so down the track? Why don’t they have a process available online for someone to follow. Like literally, shouldn’t addicts be able to fucking google “Process to recover from addiction forever” and it should come up with a step by fucking step of what to fucking do, why, and have fucking work books on every step and how to retrain your brain to think not like the traumatised adult or child and how to change how you feel in your heart and how to heal that hurt youve escaped for so many years.
What do you find when you google shit like that? One word….. SHIT.
Why don’t I go and just get a pyschologist to help me deal with this and unpack it with them? I tried, but the psych that I did have didnt think that my past or my childhood was relevant. Not the sexual abuse, not the physical abuse, parent abuse, parent abandonment, traumatic experiences…. you name it, she didnt think that any of it was relevant and the sex abuse she refused to counsel me on…. I don’t know why. She didnt even help me to understand this much. I have had to figure this much out myself. And I get more help and feedback from other addicts in conversation I have with them, sometimes when we are high…. then what people who have been medical professionals for over twenty years with ten years of university study and on the job training etc… go figure! I mean, where are they getting the shit they study and who is teaching the crap. Who says that they have passed there degree and have the ability to help someone like me? Yet another professional studier that has no life experience as well.
Addicts are not listened to. They are told that they have symptoms of some medical condition and are given a pill or two or if your in jail, your given a diagnosis with no explanation of what that means, how you should manage it etc… nothing, just a really strong couple of pills that ensure that you fall asleep every night by falling face first in your dinner and stay there until the meds wear off a little and you drag your ass to bed.
I have thought my addiction was many things over the years but most of all I have thought it was my flaw or multiple of flaws and once I discovered them I could have the ability to beat them with strength and overcome this sick need to do something repetitively that lots of people have said was a huge fucking annoying problem. Which I agree with, some of the time, but what they and most of you don’t understand is yes its killing me, killing my life and my soul and my mind but it saves me every day too. What doesn’t kill you, yes, it makes you stronger, but it just kills you in a different way I guess.
I see my addiction as a cure, cos that is what it has always been. I just have never known that. I was told and so were lots of other addicts that it was a deficiency in me, a flaw of somekind not recognisable to the human eye…. some flaw hidden inside of me like a monster, evil, or even the devil at times. But no, how can the trauma suffered as a child or young teenager of been a monster inside of me? Shouldn’t I take responsibility for the monster that lives in me, not in others? And who is this monster? Was there several? Will I need some kind of recognition or apology for the trauma and life full of hiding from the pain they caused me? Or must I just unpack this trauma, feel it and respond in a kind and loving way, thanking them for the experience because without it I wouldn’t be the person that I am today……..
Interesting……. Or am I just trying to shift blame?
I discovered today that I am a person that when in the wrong and at the moment that I am in the wrong I have an ability to immediately shift the blame around and take not much if any responsibility for the fact that I was in the wrong and had I dealt with the situation in a non triggered, emotionally unstable and stressed out way that I probably would of listened to the other person, worked with them and not against them in a really fucking aggressive manner and I would of actually got the shit resolved quickly and with way less stress for me and every one involved? Ha….. Yep!!!
So this is where I am at people…. When I got clean recently and a stressfull situation arose and I acted in my unhealthy way that I do, I blew it way out of proportion and made it a shit load bigger then what it needed to be. I even stressed my daughter out way more instead of being the calm adult that she probably needed. But a lot of emotions come up and so yes, I needed a pipe. And then one and then twenty four and then atleast over a hundred. The anger arose towards my mother yet again and the shitty behaviour started pretty much straight away.
Conclusion. I have been angry at my mother for having little compassion and making it hard to be there for me and save me from my addiction and fucked up life because she was just so self involved with her own fucking trauma and pain that it rendered her incompassionate to my plight. I had absolutley no compassion for her situation. She was my mother and is my mother and the older adult so if she couldn’t atleast aknowledge the reason for my addiction in the first place and be compassionate and make me feel this…. and be compassionate and help and not act like its nothing and that she was a big part of the problem and that she should of done way more and not just left me with it…..
Hang on I thought….
This sounds like something that I do…… feel no compassion when I am in the wrong, I just swiftly turn it around to say that if I hadnt of been wronged first then I would probably of not done the wrong.
It was both of us? Yeah she was abusive and yeah I had a shitty traumatic childhood but to blame her and have no compassion for her inability to of saved me or stopped what I was responsible for doing. I cannot do that.
I was angry at her for showing little compassion my whole life. I was ready to cut her out of my life and never open my heart to her ever again. I felt hate, anger, hurt etc never did I feel compassion.
I wanted to be loved and feel compassion and regret from her and I am saying that will probably save me. But during some soul searching its what I lacked towards her…. towards everyone. I feel little compassion when I am in the wrong too. Is that the flaw. Is the lack what I must mend by feeling it for others?
Will compassion fill my heart with what I need to cure my addiction? The pain and trauma…. must I feel it for all that provided that for me over the years. Is this the answer?
We will see, and I pray to my God and yours that it is….