Practicing Sexual Abstinence

I’ve been wanting to write an entry but didn’t know what to talk about. I kinda did, but I didn’t know how I was going to start it off or what to say. So I’m listening and watching the video of the rapper Common’s song “The Light”. He then says something that has been on my mind that I’ve actually been doing for sometime now. He says:

My hearts dictionary defines you, its love and happiness
Truthfully its hard tryin to practice abstinence
The time we committed love it was real good
Had to be for me to arrive and it still feel good
I know the sex aint gon keep you, but as my equal
Its how I must treat you

The part that caught my ear was “practice abstinence”. And I have been doing that for 15 months now. I was calling it celibacy, but thats not it. Celibacy is defined as: a personal commitment to avoiding sexual relations, in particular a vow from marriage. I’m not avoiding it until marriage. If I find the right person, then I will have sex, but it just hasn’t happend. I then looked up sexual abstinence and it is defined as: the practice of refraining from some or all aspects of sexual activity for medical, psychological, legal, social, philosophical or religious reasons. And the common reasons it gave for abstinence that fit my situation were; to focus on other matters, inability to find a suitable sexual partner, being physically or emotionally unprepared.

I realized that I was doing this around my birthday. Its this young guy (he’s 21) named Rhyan who PHYSICALLY is my type, my weakness; light skinned, tall, tattoos, and pretty eyes. The first time I saw him I just knew I was gonna get him. This was around August of 2011. And he’s a musician, he plays the saxaphone, so that really turned me on. But like I said, he’s so young and he acts like it, which he is supposed to b/c he’s 21. But the 21 y.o. things he was doing (like texting not calling, not really acknowledging me that much in the club, not wanting to hang out) started turning me off. One day he finally told me (during a text convo) that the reason he only called me at “booty call” times was b/c he wanted to fuck me, which I knew, but he wasn’t coming out and sayin it. At first, I was going to. But after a while, I thought to myself, “I’m tired of giving my pussy away for free”. My 29th birthday was coming up and I guess something in me just clicked. I think I finally became a grown up. I’m not 21 anymore and giving my pussy to any guy like I use to. Plus I didn’t want to go over 10 (Jeff was #10 and the worst) but I did. I guess I also wanted to keep my number as low as possible.

But lets talk about those other reasons I stated earlier:
Focusing on other matters-
I have SO much other shit going on it my life that is so much more important than sex. I have a child that might be autistic, so I’m stressed b/c of that. I live with my parents and don’t have a job or source of steady income. I need to get all those things together first before I start worrying about a man and sex.

Inability to find a suitable sexual partner-
I’m too old to be giving my goodies to just ANYBODY. I’ve had sex with guys who I was just “friends with benefits” with and guys who I was in relationship with. The relationship sex was so much better. Mostly b/c sex is a mental thing with me. You have to fuck me mentally first, then the physical will be way better. And right now, I just don’t have a man or haven’t met anyone and gone out on any dates. So until then, I will NOT be having any “friends with benefits”.

Being physically or emotionally unprepared-
I am both of these. I’m physically not ready b/c my body is not where I want it to be. Having a baby and gaining all that weight really did a number on my body. Plus when I had my gallbladder surgery in 2010, it left me with a 5 inch scar across my stomach which I HATE! That really messed with my self esteem. Its like I don’t like to look at my body and these scars from my c-section and surgery, so I damn sure don’t want a man looking at them. And now that I’m so stressed, I’m eating alot. I’m a bad stress eater. I just don’t care when I get in that mind from and start eating. When you have sex, you want to be confident in your body. The sex is better when you are. And Im not. I’m emotionally not ready either b/c how I feel about relationships. My last relationship with my son’s father messed me up mentally and emtionally. I just don’t even want to be in a relationship. Why? The person is eventually gonna hurt you in the long run. And like I said, I’m not having sex with anyone I’m not in a relationship with, so its gonna be a loooonnnnggg time before I have sex again probably.

I must say that I am proud of myself. I beat my last record of 13 months. Its almost like a competition with myself to see how long I can hold out. 15 months is a long time. When I’ve told my friends Stephanie and Ed, they kinda shake their heads like “I don’t know how you’re doing that” lol. Will power I guess. Better yet, self control. Not giving into the human flesh is a hard thing to do. Maybe this will discipline me as well. I just want to make sure the next time I do have sex, it’s good and with someone who deserves it, b/c the last guy was the worst and didn’t deserve it. But I just wanted to get all this off my chest and out of my head. So glad I did.

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April 5, 2012

Wow that’s deep. How do you figure your child has autism? Yeah I Sex is better when you feel comfortable with your body. Well good luck with everything!