Not quite right / Perfect

Not quite right: This is not OLD OD. This is new OD. It is not quite right. Maybe if it had been here all along, and the changes and differences had slowly accumulated, it would still feel like… home. But as of now, I’m having a hard time settling back into it. I also feel like spending time typing here is taking away time from my family, which.. might be nonsensical. But whenever I have my laptop out, or sit down and start to type, I’m surrounded by people saying “What’s that? What are you doing? Can I see? Why?” regardless of time, day, etc. And it’s not like I’m ever alone. lol

Not quite right: It’s 2:49am. I am currently awake because my stomach is not quite right. A few of you may recall that I have an ulcer disease, as well as severe acid reflux and duodenditis, which is a chronically inflamed duodenum (lower part of your stomach before your intestines happen) which is prone to becoming infected. I’ve been eating like shit lately (I had a huge glass of OJ today, BIG no no for me, but I love it SO much, plus I had authentic mexican food for lunch, HUGE no no, and PIZZA for dinner, which is a big no no as well. FML.) and my stomach is currently crawling with acid which is trying to escape. I almost want to throw up just to make it feel better, but my stomach also tends to refill itself very promptly with acid whenever it’s empty. SO.. that might not really work.

Not quite right: One of my very first students at work is leaving on the 31st. He has been my favorite pretty much since he arrived, and I love this kid like he was my own child. He called me on Monday and told me he was really sick (and he sounded awful, head/chest cold situation) and needed cough syrup but didn’t feel up to walking to the store, which is several miles from his apartment. He asked me if I would pretty please bring him some cough syrup and he would pay me back for it when I got to his place. I picked him up some DayQuil, and got him cough drops, a box of tissues, a bottle of OJ, and a big bottle of water, too. He was SO grateful, I thought he was going to cry. And the next day he brought me a can of Arizona iced tea and a candy bar as a thank you, and also paid me back $10 for the DayQuil. What a sweetheart, right? I love this kid to death. I am SO worried about him going back home (to NY) and leaving our program. He’s grown so much in the 7 months we’ve had him, and I really think he has some real potential to be somebody amazing someday, but I’m worried that it’s a bit too soon for him and he’s going to fall back into old patterns once he’s back home, with his old friends, in his old neighborhood. I’ve talked to him about this, and told him that I’m worried for him, and I think the thing that makes me feel the most okay about all of it, is that he generally replies “Me too.” His judgment isn’t TOP NOTCH, but clearly it’s better than I was thinking. Anyways, the thought of him moving on breaks my heart a little. We sign a contract when we start at my job saying we won’t be in contact with students once they’ve left the program, for at least 1 year. This one is gunna be a struggle for me. I don’t think I can do it! He’s practically my child! (He’s too old to be my child lol)

Perfect: I’m not sure how many of you will recall that I had a foster baby for about 7 months, who I was hoping to adopt. She ended up going back to her mother and living in a rehab facility with her. Mom also had a younger baby (11 months younger than the one who had been placed with me) and recently got custody of her 5&6 year olds, as well. So, single mom with a hardcore addiction problem and mental health issues, with four kids, living in a rehab facility. I was horrified when I found out what the plan was for my lil foster babe to be returned, and I was SURE she’d be back in no time, because Mom has been in and out of rehab since my lil gal was born, and she was never successful with treatment. She also has an older child who is 12 or 13 who was removed and adopted out many years ago, and her 5&6 year olds were removed and placed with their father until just a few months ago. Anyways, miraculously, Mom is doing great in the program and had her CPS case closed against the babies. She is 100% full time momming all four of these kids. She still has a significant amount of support from the program she’s in, but that includes lifetime casework and support. She’ll be moving out of the rehab place and into apartments that the facility owns and operates in November, right after my lil missy turns 2. I’m shocked, but it’s really the best case scenario. Mom also sent me a ton of new pictures of all the kids recently and told me how well they’re all doing. My lil babe is walking FT now and just growing like a weed. She’s still gorgeous, of course. It breaks my heart a little. I got her a year ago yesterday. <3

Perfect: Chanel. <3 She fills me with awe. I spend a ridiculous amount of time just staring at her. Her face is so perfect. Her hair is perfect. Her lips are perfect. I love her so much it confuses me. She’s perfect. My chest feels heavy and full when I think about her. I hate being away from her. I miss her when she’s in another room. I crave her skin. I love touching her. I need my hands on her all the time. Everything else in my life is an obstacle between us. I have to work so I can provide for our family, but all I want to do is be with her. Look at her, touch her, kiss her, talk to her. When we’re near each other we’re always always always touching. I NEED her. All the time. It’s so cheesy and ridiculous. But it’s been almost a year, we still talk all day, every day, and I cannot imagine living my life without her. I would be so lost. It happened so fast, and it is so magical and perfect and I still can’t believe it. We drive each other crazy a fair amount of the time, but I could never not love her. I just need her like I’ve never needed anything before. I love her more than I’ve ever loved another adult human being. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. And I tell her all the time.

Not quite right: Our garage is still full to bursting with random bullshit, pretty much exclusively MY random bullshit. There’s hardly any room to walk through the garage, and there is just.. SO MUCH STUFF. I need to start unloading boxes of BOOKS, because that’s… 75% of what I own. But we just do not have any room anywhere for all of this stuff. I was digging through it a little bit today, but it was too hot in the garage and I couldn’t stay out there for very long. I found some blankets and pillows of mine, as well as some clothes I had been looking for and couldn’t find. Tons of books. Some board games. A bunch of toys. I need to just start hauling boxes inside and putting things away… but it’s such a hassle, and we know we probably won’t stay here for more than a year, so it seems like such a lot of work for no good reason. But it is really driving me crazy that none of the stuff in this house belongs to me. I want my stuff, too! I love my stuff. I’m a bit of hoarder, but not TOO bad, really.. anyways, I just love the things I own, that’s why I own them. When Corey and I divorced a billion years ago, and then Jared and I broke up, I made it a mission to collect things that *I* love, without anyone else’s input. Dishes, art, movies, CDs, bedding, linens, towels, rugs, decor.. I wanted my own stuff that makes me happy. And I acquired it. And now I want it IN MY HOUSE, and on display. But between Chanel and I, we have a ton of duplicate items and we really don’t need all of it. Plus this house is tiny. And lets face it, 5 kids have enough stuff for several kingdoms.

Not quite right: The rabbit, Sparkles, is almost better. I don’t think I’ve mentioned this here, because I’m hardly ever here, but Milo got a rabbit, from Chanel, for free, off Craigslist, and she almost immediately got horribly ill and almost died. It took forever to figure out what was wrong with her, but she had a massive bacterial infection all over her right ear. It was DISGUSTING. She had a high fever and we actually thought she was going to lose the entire ear at one point. She’s had to have about 3 weeks of antibiotics now, and she needs another week of them. She also has a silver nitrate cream (which is what they prescribe for bad burn wounds, as well) which I have to apply to it. Allow your imagination to conjure an image of giving a rabbit antibiotics and holding it down while you apply cream to a horrible wound ON ITS HEAD. This is not a fun time. This damn rabbit better live for about a billion years, because we’ve spent nearly $400 on her medical care at this point. Poor girl. She was actually being pretty sweet today and wanted to come out and snuggle with me. Her ear looks SO MUCH better, but there are a couple of places where it still clearly hurts, because she flinches and winces when I put the cream on her. Poor little thing. I just feel awful for her.

Perfect: I started watching Life Sentence on Netflix, and I LOVE IT. I wish Atypical had gotten a 2nd season. Chanel also introduced me to Storage Wars and American Pickers, and I’m OBSESSED.

Perfect: Chanel and I have been making it a point to wander the neighboring towns while the kids have been gone. She came out to Coeur d’Alene (Which is across the state line in Idaho, but only about 30-45 mins from home) after work one night and met up with me (I work in CdA) and we walked around downtown, had dinner in a little bar/grill, did some souvenir shopping for her friends and family back in CA, and got home made small batch ice cream in a little shop, walked the docks, took cute selfies by the lake, etc. Yesterday we also went to Colville, which is a couple hours North, had lunch with a former coworker of mine from VOA, and walked around downtown window shopping and browsing antique shops and gift shops. We ended up spending $4 on incense and meeting an adorable puppy. All in all a great day. It’s been really fun. We’ve also been playing a bunch of games (Uno, Bananagrams, Yahtzee) and colouring and snuggling and watching TV and just vegging out and enjoying the silence. That said, I can’t wait to go get the babies. lol <3 I’ll regret bringing them back home as soon as we get here, I’m sure, but it just seems wrong for them all to be gone. <3

Well, if anyone actually read all of this, you deserve a cookie. Much love, friends.

~Me