He’s Amazing

Here I am, just sitting here this morning, drinking my coffee, planning my day, spending time with my Daughter.  We ate breakfast, we read stories, and we played with her toy spider.  We played soccer, and we also played with the dogs.  My Husband is back from out of town for work, and arrived last night.  His out of town job was supposed to last two days, but he got back in a timely manner.

He came home and first things out of his mouth is he wants us to have “us” time.  I don’t love him like that anymore.  I have requested several times I wanted a Divorce.  I have been wanting out of this lifestyle for quite sometime.  Only thing that is holding me back is our four year old Daughter.  He immediately got angry with me and went in the back room to pout.

This may sound terrible, but I cannot stand to kiss him, I cannot stand to hug him, let alone, cannot stand to talk to him because hall he talks about is needing sex and shames me for not having sex with him.  He calls me selfish, and ignorant because I won’t “give in.”  I just don’t love him anymore.  I hate how everything is “my fault” I hate how I’m always “selfish and don’t think of anybody else” I hate it when he calls me lazy.  I cleaned this house from top to bottom, and he came home and said that I did nothing.  I’m tired of him planning my days off for all the crap he wants me to do for him.  I just want a day to do what I want to do!  Like fishing, hiking, reading, writing, and crafts.  He gets to do what he wants on his days off, and he refuses to go grocery shopping, run errands and pay bills, clean house, pick up after himself.  That’s a “Woman’s Job” is what he always says.  I made a homemade apple pie yesterday and it turned out amazing, and he’s like “its gross… crust needs more salt”  you don’t put salt on pie crust….well… not mine anyways…

He picks on how I look, My hair looks like crap, my hair looks like straw, I’m old and wrinkled, I have a big butt, I don’t have the muscular flat stomach, I have no talent, blue eyes are not that pretty (I have blue eyes), I am not that smart, I don’t work as hard as he does, he doesn’t like my necklace that is shaped like a cross made out of horseshoe nails, he doesn’t like my clothes I wear, he doesn’t like how my pants fit me, and he hates it when I buy new clothes (I don’t have a lot & he has a whole closet full of them).

I get called every name under the book from asshole to bitch to dumb…  Ya name it… Most likely been called it.  Since he’s been seeing a phycologist, he has improved a lot.  But its too late… I’m out… I checked out a long time ago.  I feel like this relationship is all me… I pay the bills, I bathe the kids, I grocery shop for the kids, I call in his prescriptions, I pick up his prescriptions, I clean the house, I wash the bedding, I made the beds, I clean the bathrooms, I throw away his trash, I pick up the dishes he leaves on the floor for the dogs to lick, I get him a plate of food, I get him something to drink, I give him the “right fork” since he has big hands, I am exhausted… I work way too hard to deal with this shit.

This is where the Amazing part comes in…. I did meet somebody… He’s an ex marine, he’s an officer, he’s funny, he’s smart, he’s not lazy, he opens doors, pulls chairs out to seat you, he always pays for lunches and absolutely refuses to take any money from me.  He has the most amazing smile, he has the bluest eyes, he is athletically fit, and he’s just dreamy!

First time I met him, he was at my work, and he is not shy at all!  I thought he was loud and obnoxious!  The more I got to know him, he is loud and obnoxious like me! LOL  He has a big heart for kids, he has a nephew he has helped his parents raise, and the kid is great!  He has the same humor as I do, and we just get along so well!

He is a Dog lover just as I am!  He treats everyone with respect that comes in his path.  He has offered his house to me if I ever needed to get away.  I told him my best friend is moving away next month, and I was crying because she’s the only friend I have that I truly enjoy having around, and her and I have gone through hell together.  He made the comment, “you will always have me.”  Melted my heart.

Since he got the job at the Police Department, I rarely see him, and I miss him!  He gave the best hugs, and he also admitted he liked me.  Well, I’m not going to be doing anything until my divorce has been settled.  He did make the comment “do not leave your husband because of me”  I told him I’ve been wanting to leave him for a very long time… Waaaayyyy before we have ever met.

He compliments me, he says I look pretty when I look like crap, he tells me I’m beautiful, he supports my dreams and hopes and where I would like to travel to.  He has encouraged me to join the law enforcement side so I can fulfill my law enforcement dreams since I was a kid.  I’ve been working out, push ups, sit ups, squats, running so I can pass the physical agility test.  I’m excited!  I cannot wait!  Health benefits… Paid for!  OMG…  I’m paying $800 per month in health benefits!

So, here I am…  Just trapped.  Only person that can make that change is ME.  I just need to stop being scared… I will be just fine.

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