February 6, 2017

I feel gross.  I am gross.  How did I let myself get this way?

It’s been a long time, but I think I might kind of like someone, but it’s stupid, because I don’t actually know this person.  Not in real life.  I honestly just think that after reading all my old high school entries, I’m looking for something to make me feel like that again.  While I was a bit dramatic, at least I cared about stuff back then.  Things actually meant something to me.  Now, I really don’t care about anything.  If I’m not angry, I’m numb.  So I always cling to whatever thing comes along to make me feel something for a second.  This guy was in a FB group that I am in.  He saw me comment on something, and he said something back to me, then he sent me a friend request.  He’s really cute, plays guitar, he’s intelligent, funny, has the saw political, moral, religious views as I do.  We talk sometimes, but only when one of us occasionally comments on something we post…. which actually isn’t that often.  I feel stupid.  Like I said, it’s honestly something for me to cling to.   It’s not like anyone would be able to like me right now anyway.  I use my profile pic from like 5 years ago because I’ve gained a shit ton of weight and I look so fucking disgusting now.  I look at myself in the mirror, and I want to vomit.  I’m huge, old, and gross.  I feel like I want to claw off all my skin.  I can’t stand it.  I have decided I’m going back to ana.  I want to starve again.  I can’t do anything until I lose weight anyway.  It’s what has kept me from doing things I want to do and seeing friends, or meeting people.  I will never be happy until I’m skinny again because even if I try to do the things I want to do…. all I can think about is how fat I am.   I had a friend (my brother’s ex) who would always want to go out and do stuff together.  She would say things like “we should do this….it sounds like fun.”   She doesn’t see inside my head.  NOTHING is fun for me.   Anytime I go anywhere or do anything, I can NEVER enjoy it because the whole time I’m thinking about how fat and disgusting I am.   I hate myself.

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