Garbage

Reading some of my old diary entries has really set off a chain reaction of emotions for me.  I thought I would just read them and cringe, and think, “Yeah, I was stupid.”  The thing is; it’s really fucking depressing.  What happened to me?  I used to care about things.  I used to want to do stuff and have fun.  I used to have friends.  I was always depressed, that much is obvious, but at least back them I had a little hope that things could get better for me.  I was well-rounded.  I was in band, and I had so many friends.  I was constantly doing things with them, going to their houses, talking to everyone, even guys.  Sadly, I had forgotten about some really awful things that people did to me, but even then . . . I’m kind of jealous of my old self.  I was young, decent looking, skinny, fun, motivated, passionate. . . Now, I’m nothing.  I’m this hallow shell of what I used to be.  I don’t feel much of anything anymore, except disappointment, depression, numbness, sadness, and a whole lot of fucking anger.  I’m so bitter.  I hate myself and I hate my life.  If I could go back and do it all again, I wouldn’t hesitate.  I wish I had done so many things differently.  I wish I wouldn’t have let people treat me like a pile of garbage my entire fucking life.  After being told you’re garbage for years, you start to believe it; and I do.  I am garbage.

 

**Edit**

Seriously finished reading everything from 16 years ago.  It’s fucking heartbreaking.  I was never fucking happy.  Ever.  Family, some friends, romantic interests all treated me like trash.

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February 2, 2018

I don’t know you but I also just restored my diary of 17 yrs ago. Lol.

These feelings are intense I know how u feel. We are who we are because of what happened along the way. There are many twists but never too late to make things better. Just need to take the first brave step and a few more followup steps to set the momentum. You are definitely not garbage cos you have compassion and you reflect like a proper person do. Look at some people around you or in the news who truly are garbage before you judge yourself so harshly.

God loves you, in whichever religion you believe in.

February 2, 2018

@onceuponatime Thank you for your kind words. 🙂