I Deserve a Brief Moment

Ignore any poor grammar and punctuation, because I’m trying to get these thoughts out as fast as my mind is producing them….I have been going through all these old diary entries.  For the past several years, I have been making jokes about how much my life has sucked.  I do know it hasn’t been great, but there are others who have had it a lot worse.  While making these jokes, I would think, well, it has it really been that bad?  After reading all this old stuff, yes.  It has.  People did and said some really awful, shitty things to me.  My parents were shitty.  They said and did things that were just awful.  At the time, I knew it made me feel bad, but looking at it now… that shit was really fucked up.  Then straight out of high school I got with the first guy who showed any interest in me at all because I didn’t think I could do better, and my self-esteem apparently relied on the attention of ass-hole guys.  He treated me like shit.  He constantly insulted me, disrespected me AND my body…. then the next guy was awful too.  Did pretty much the same shit.  Then, some dude at work violated me despite my constant protests, and another used me.  Now, here I am.  Nothing has really gotten better, excpet all the ass-hole guys in my life are gone (thank goodness).  But looking back on all this… my life has never been good.  I’ve done some shitty things, but I realize it was in response to always trying to be a good person, then realizing that didn’t even matter, so I started rebelling.  That obviously didn’t make me feel any better, either.  But seriously… I think I actually deserve a moment in my life where I am happy… no matter how brief.  I have this dream of being a writer…. a really great, published writer.  I have always wanted it, but people throughout my life constantly told me how unrealistic that would be.  I don’t care anymore.  I want it more than anything.  I will keep trying until I can make it happen.  I think I deserve that much by now, don’t I?

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January 29, 2018

I never saw the point in comparing bad to bad because bad is bad, period. Not that you are, but saying one shouldn’t feel so bad because some others have it worse, for example, is like saying one shouldn’t be so happy since some others are happier. 🙂

January 30, 2018

@publicenemy13 You’re right. I do feel the same way, it’s just sometimes, even though I know I shouldn’t, I feel like I shouldn’t complain if others have it worse. But you are right, we shouldn’t compare; bad is bad. 🙂