Warmth Brings Anxiety

I have been reading over some of my oldest entries from when I was in high school.  I cannot stop cringing.  I am hoping some of the poor grammar and spelling was simply because I was in a hurry when typing.  That’s the least of the cringiness, though.  I was so young, and naive.  It’s like I thought my life was some romantic comedy.  I believed in stuff.  How stupid of me.  Poor little Mallory was so hopeful back then.  If only she knew what was coming later on, she probably wouldn’t have been so hopeful, and would have enjoyed the only decent part of life while it lasted.

I remember back in 2013 when my ex and I broke up, he broke into my diary and was reading all my stuff.  He read an entry I wrote about him.  I just re-read it, and it’s pretty brutal, but truthful.  I’m glad he read it.  At first I felt guilty, but I don’t now.  I would have never had the guts to say those things to him, and even if I did, he wouldn’t have listened.  After he read it, it sounded like he actually kind of realized what a jerk he was.  Anyway, after he read a bunch of entries, I remember he said, “You have been depressed…. for years.  How have you felt like that for years?”   I remember thinking that I couldn’t remember everything I wrote about feeling depressed through the years.  I just went back and read a lot, and holy shit.  It’s so fucking obvious now, and I can’t believe it wasn’t back then.  I guess I always just thought everyone else felt the same way all the time, they were just better at hiding it.  It goes back 16 years ago.  It’s fucking awful and sad… and my parents couldn’t even piece it together.

Anyway, mom, Adam, and Alex are here today.  It also feels like spring, today, which I hate.  Softball used to always start in the spring, so now, every spring, when I feel that familiar warmth, I get this bad, sinking, foreboding feeling.  So many bad things have happened in the spring…. softball, my ex breaking up with me, and me getting drunk for the first time because if it, my other ex screaming at me in the car on the way to my mom’s house because I wouldn’t stop and get him more alcohol, even though he was already drunk.  The feeling is awful to me, because it was like I would think, “Wow, it’s spring, and it’s getting warmer!  I’m starting to get in a better mood because of the sunshine, the fresh air, and the ability to wear cooler clothes!!!”  Only to be completely stripped away of that feeling really quickly by something really bad happening.  That’s why I hate spring.  That’s why I get that anxiety every time I feel that odd warmth in the air.  It’s weird, I know.  It’s why I have grown to love the dark better.  I love shorter days.  I love cold, and snow, and rain.  You expect things like that to be harder to tolerate, so you’re not disappointed.  But, anyway, Monday, mom will be going back to Nashville, Alex will be back at his mom’s, Adam will be at Jerimy’s, and it’s supposed to get cold again that day.  I will be back to my normal routine of cold, comfortable solitude.