The start

Today is the day I’ve decided enough is enough today is the day I I’m not wasting one more tear of sadness or of my energy for something that is out of my control. Every time I fight myself to stay things like this happen that makes me ask myself what am I doing to myself is it worth it and I enter a stage of overthinking and stress then overwhelmingness entering my head going all the way to my feet.  Thoughts racing a million miles per hour. Why are you here ? What lead you here ? Is it worth it ? I’m I worth it ? Is it my fault ? Could I have prevented it? Alone again ? Start all over ? What am I loosing? Am I gaining anything spiritually and emotionally ? Then sudden thoughts of childhood not sure if memories or traumas enter my brain like a scientist figuring out his next experiment examining everything little thing and came to the conclusion I am broken and it’s not my fault and I have to constantly remind myself I didn’t ask for what happened in my life however I can make my future the way I want. Then I enter the state of anger an anger so deep in my body and I want to yell on top my lungs and just yell and yell until I get tired. Anger with memories of what I was and what I have become and where I am headed. Then the teachings that life taught me so far also entering my body and brain. Take my time with things analyze and most of all don’t let my past make me or take away from me the future me the better me the innocent me. One day one day I will be at ease one day I will wake up happy and go to sleep happy with no worries and no one or nothing being able to take that ease away from me not a significant other not family member and definitely not a stranger. Till then keep fighting and riding solider you got this !

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