My God Hath Been My Support

Faith warning, this entry is filled with a lot of things based on a belief system and scriptural examples.  This is my inspiration for today.

My life is a miracle.

I don’t mean in the way that every life is a miracle.  Each day, I can look back and see a pattern where God has touched my life and turned it into something I could not have imagined.   I don’t know if that’s true, I have a pretty good imagination. Hmm…mulligan, start over.

Lets pretend I’m giving a talk.  This will involve revealing some part of myself I had thought to keep secret, I had always intended this journal to be anonymous, but maybe that’s okay.

I am an addict.  That’s what they say in the twelve step programs.  I’m not sure I am comfortable with that anymore.  Surely I am prone to addiction and have addictive tendencies, and if I fell off the wagon I would be in dire straits; however, an addict feels like more of who I was than who I am.  That does not mean I am no longer an addict, but it does mean that description no longer defines me as it once did.

Over the past few years, I have slowly shed the habits that I have considered addictive.  It started with smoking, then opiates (and other hard drugs), then caffeine, then junk food, OTC pain medications (it’s not a major addiction, but it affects your overall well-being) and the struggle I want to overcome now, masturbation.  I have a hard time with that word.  It feels like a bad word, a shameful word, a result of conditioning I suppose.  Perhaps the act itself is not wrong or sinful, but the ultimate problem with masturbation is often the use of pornography.  I have struggled with pornography.  I still do, though I’d like to think I’m doing better.  Why is pornography bad?  Maybe that’s another discussion, but for the sake of my story, lets just say that it is immoral to treat people as objects.  When I abstain from all these things, I am on top of the world.  I feel great, I am confident-ish (I’m not really the confident type) and for the sake of space lets just say the world is my oyster.  When I give in to the temptation, when I let that little voice tell me it’s okay, it “brings me down to the depths of sorrow”, to quote a piece of scripture.  I have vacillated between thinking this is something I can overcome, and thinking I’ll just never overcome it and I should just accept it as who I will always be.  I know better than to give in to the latter thinking, that be a lie, we are always able to evolve.  We are designed to evolve, it is our whole purpose as human beings.  (Once again, for the sake of MY story, you’ll just have to accept these as universal truths.)

I will quote my favorite piece of scripture: “…if thou shouldst be cast into the pit, or into the hands of murderers, and the sentence of death passed upon thee; if thou be cast into the deep; if the billowing surge conspire against thee; if fierce winds become thine enemy; if the heavens gather blackness, and all the elements combine to hedge up the way; and above all, if the very jaws of hell shall gape open the mouth wide after thee, know thou, my son, that all these things shall give thee experience, and shall be for thy good.”

That can mean a lot of different things to different people, but for me, I realize that any mistake I make, or any experience I have will help me become better, more resilient, more compassionate, better able to help others, and so forth.

I recently read part of a chapter of scripture that spoke to me in a way I haven’t experienced in awhile.  I think I will just copy and paste part of it here, because I think it would take me several hours to explain each part of this as it relates to my story, but I may try to come back to it later.  If you don’t wish to read a lot of scripture, I suppose this would be the end of this entry for you, whoever you may be, I wish you well.

“16 Behold, my soul delighteth in the things of the Lord; and my heart pondereth continually upon the things which I have seen and heard.”

Whenever I have a spiritual experience, this is an accurate description of how I feel.  Often it is in church, listening to someone talk or perhaps in a hymn or lesson.

“17 Nevertheless, notwithstanding the great goodness of the Lord, in showing me his great and marvelous works, my heart exclaimeth: O wretched man that I am! Yea, my heart sorroweth because of my flesh; my soul grieveth because of mine iniquities.”

“18 I am encompassed about, because of the temptations and the sins which do so easily beset me.”

“19 And when I desire to rejoice, my heart groaneth because of my sins; nevertheless, I know in whom I have trusted.”

I have felt this despair, this loss of willpower that leads me to believe I can never be the person I WANT to be.  Let there be no mistake, I don’t think this is who I should be, my beliefs are not a prison, this is who I DESIRE to be.  Someone who is clean and filled with joy and the love of Christ.

“20 My God hath been my support; he hath led me through mine afflictions in the wilderness; and he hath preserved me upon the waters of the great deep.”

As an addict, I had many afflictions, as an addict often does I created a lot of problems for myself.  I can look back at my life that felt like a vast sea of nothingness and see where my Heavenly Father guided me and taught me in preparation for the day when I would overcome the shackles that bound me.  Sometimes I will have small epiphanies and realize how something I learned in the worst of times has helped me now, and I remember the Lord who carried me across an ocean of despair.

“21 He hath filled me with his love, even unto the consuming of my flesh.”

“22 He hath confounded mine enemies, unto the causing of them to quake before me.”

“23 Behold, he hath heard my cry by day, and he hath given me knowledge by visions in the night-time.”

“24 And by day have I waxed bold in mighty prayer before him; yea, my voice have I sent up on high; and angels came down and ministered unto me.”

“25 And upon the wings of his Spirit hath my body been carried away upon exceedingly high mountains. And mine eyes have beheld great things, yea, even too great for man; therefore I was bidden that I should not write them.”

“26 O then, if I have seen so great things, if the Lord in his condescension unto the children of men hath visited men in so much mercy, why should my heart weep and my soul linger in the valley of sorrow, and my flesh waste away, and my strength slacken, because of mine afflictions?”

“27 And why should I yield to sin, because of my flesh? Yea, why should I give way to temptations, that the evil one have place in my heart to destroy my peace and afflict my soul? Why am I angry because of mine enemy?”

“28 Awake, my soul! No longer droop in sin. Rejoice, O my heart, and give place no more for the enemy of my soul.”

“29 Do not anger again because of mine enemies. Do not slacken my strength because of mine afflictions.”

“30 Rejoice, O my heart, and cry unto the Lord, and say: O Lord, I will praise thee forever; yea, my soul will rejoice in thee, my God, and the rock of my salvation.”

“31 O Lord, wilt thou redeem my soul? Wilt thou deliver me out of the hands of mine enemies? Wilt thou make me that I may shake at the appearance of sin?”

“32 May the gates of hell be shut continually before me, because that my heart is broken and my spirit is contrite! O Lord, wilt thou not shut the gates of thy righteousness before me, that I may walk in the path of the low valley, that I may be strict in the plain road!”

“33 O Lord, wilt thou encircle me around in the robe of thy righteousness! O Lord, wilt thou make a way for mine escape before mine enemies! Wilt thou make my path straight before me! Wilt thou not place a stumbling block in my way—but that thou wouldst clear my way before me, and hedge not up my way, but the ways of mine enemy.”

“34 O Lord, I have trusted in thee, and I will trust in thee forever. I will not put my trust in the arm of flesh; for I know that cursed is he that putteth his trust in the arm of flesh. Yea, cursed is he that putteth his trust in man or maketh flesh his arm.”

“35 Yea, I know that God will give liberally to him that asketh. Yea, my God will give me, if I ask not amiss; therefore I will lift up my voice unto thee; yea, I will cry unto thee, my God, the rock of my righteousness. Behold, my voice shall forever ascend up unto thee, my rock and mine everlasting God. Amen.”

If you made it this far, I applaud you.  This entry, like me, is an unfinished work.  Hopefully, unlike me, it will be finished in my lifetime.  I have responsibilities that require my attention on the day I am writing this, so it will have to be unfinished for now.