Struggling to heal…

So many nights I’ve been left staring at the ceilings….

Wondering for hours of the things I don’t know…

Did you? Have You? Will you do it again?

If only you could imagine the scary places my mind goes…

 

Forgiveness is in progress. Forgetting? No. Never.

You’ll never catch me hurt or off guard again.

I’ll never let you know.

And I’ll die before you win.

 

Who are you to destroy my confidence?

What right do you have to my soul?

I felt my heart break that night into a million pieces.

I felt my very being tear into two, I hope you know.

 

I’ve never known physical pain like that before, it’s crazy.

The fire that completely ripped through me.

The guttural scream of release, gripping at skin,

And no way to relieve it besides dying.

 

I’m stuck on it. That feeling. The destruction.

Hot searing, dull ache, incapacitating…

What to do when something hurts so bad that you can’t even think??
Still now… What I would do to forget…

To erase it from my mind, my memory, my fucking soul…

But I can’t look at you now without thinking about it…

You dirty, rotten, lying sack of self-entitled fuck….

 

YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO DESTROY ME LIKE THAT.

YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO RIP THE SOUL FROM MY BONES.

YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO BREAK MY HEART BEYOND REPAIR.

YOU HAD NO RIGHT TO ACT LIKE I DID THIS ON MY OWN.

 

 

 

What the fuck do I do now?

 

God fucking dammit I love you…… IF ONLY YOU FELT THE SAME!!!

 

I don’t see anyone else… AND YOU SEE EVERYONE FUCKING ELSE. PPPPLLLLEEEEAAAASSSSEEE TAKE THIS ALL AWAY FROM ME. TAKE THE MEMORIES. THE LOVE. THE IMAGES. THE FEELING. FUCKING EVERYTHING!!!

 

 

I don’t want it anymore. It tortures me daily.

I’m no longer good enough for the only person I was striving to be everything for…

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES TO A PERSON??!?

 

FFFUUUCCCKKK!!!

 

Yeah, this started as some fucking poem but I’m white knuckling trying to contain this. I’m so fucking mad I can barely type this now. I can’t even fuck up the laundry without hearing about it for months on end…. But you?? YOU??!?

 

You can do fucking anything and everyone loves you. I’m the fuck up. Well, go on then!!! Leave!!!! I fucking dare you!!! Find someone else who pulls the same shit you do and get back to hurting someone who hurts you the same way you hurt them. Isn’t that what you want??  You wanna be a fucking piece of shit, but not held accountable???

 

Not with me you ungrateful he-bitch…

 

So many nights staring at the ceiling.

So many hours I’ve spent wondering what went wrong.

I’ve cried, I’ve screamed, I’ve punched and yelled…

And I’m still not okay for very long.

 

Put on the smile.

Let out a laugh.

No one needs to know my pain.

 

Make it worthwhile,

But don’t forget that,

You’ll never actually be okay.

 

 

FFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

WAS IT FUCKING WORTH IT??? BREAKING ME? BREAKING US? BREAKING YOU?

Your lame ass excuses for doing it don’t explain or excuse shit… I hope you know I don’t need you.

Never have. Never will. I ALLOW you into my life. I DON’T deserve a liar, a cheater, a coward, an abuser… WHAT THE FUCK HAVE I DONE TO YOU?

 

Why the fuck do you hate me? Why aren’t I good enough? God, I wish I could break you the same way you broke me… But you’ll never care as much as I did, and that’s where I lose.

 

So, I’ll keep staring at the ceiling. I’ll keep praying and hoping for health. For fucking mercy, dear god, I beg of you… Ease my mind or end me if anything else.

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