Exhaling…….

I wonder what people really think of me.  I wander what Stephens true thoughts of me are.  I know he loves me……but beyond that……what does he REALLY think of me and the person that I am.  Sadly, I will probably never find out…….he will never have balls enough to tell me.  If he ever does, it will only be the positive things, with a few sugar coated negative.

I am not a good person, I am not good to him, I feel like I treat him like shit.  I dunno why I am the way I am, do the things I do or say the things I say.  Sometimes, right in the middle of it all I will question myself but dont stop myself.

If it werent for this whole being married thing, buying a house, having a job, needing bills to get paid…..Id run away.  My heart hurts, Im depressed and angry.  Im just tired of it all and I need to get away.  I dont like who I am, who Ive become and who I am still becoming.  Im not happy with myself.

Last night my brother and his girlfriend stayed the night with us.  When I got home I was in a perfectly good mood.  Eventually Stephen wanted to go to mom and dads and get more stuff.  I asked why…..and asked why he couldnt just wait until we have all the stuff thats at the house now put up already.  The house is a total mess right now and the last thing I want to do is bring more into it.  I thought it made perfect sense to just wait…..do a little at a time.  But he is impatient, not caring that its just piling up and will be harder to put away if its scattered everywhere.  He wants everything at the house now.  We went and got stuff and then ended up in the game room, hanging his dart board……I was trying to help.  My bro and his gf had been in the bedroom and came out to try to help.  Jaclyn made a comment that sometimes my brother will tell her to stop yelling at him……she tells him shes not yelling, then she hears me with Stephen and says "thats yelling."  I laughed and left it alone but inside my heart sank.  Not only do I already feel like shit about who I am and my relationship with Stephen……but now the outside world is pointing out that they think of me as shit as well. 

A few minutes later Stephen and my bro were getting ready to hang the pool racks, Jaclyn said they were not centered, I was on my hands and knees spraying fire ants (we’ve been invaded and Im pissed about that more later) I looked up and told them that no it wasnt.  So, we started trying to figure out the measurements and where they needed to be placed.  Stephen was certain it was X # of inches, I told him they would end up on top of each other, so he tried it……and they were on top of each other.  It turned into this minor argument and I had enough.  He walked over to hang the chalk board then loudly asked me if it was good enough for me, I just looked at him, told him to do it however he wanted and walked off.  Grabbed my new Cosmo and went to my room.  He came in, took the mag from me and told me I wasnt allowed to read it.  A few words passed back and fourth, he left the room and I closed the mag, laid down and cried.  Hating myself, hating everything.  He has been making those types of comments for a while now…..about having to ask my permission before he does anything to the house.  Its not that I dont trust his judgement or that I dont think he is capable but damnit, its my house too, I should have a fair chance to have a say so and not feel like a bitch for voicing my opinion of it. 

Eventually, I got up, cleaned the guest bath, put sheets on the bed they were sleeping in and went looking for the paperwork for the house.  I have some complaints to make and I dont feel comfy signing the final close until they are resolved.  I need to look some things up in the contract.  (BTW, the bank just called, I told them I wasnt comfy signing yet.)  Couldnt find the paperwork.  Stephen was looking for his darts and asked me, I asked him about the paperwork, got some lame ass answer………got up and walked to the kitchen, grabbed my shit and started to walk out.  He followed asking where I was going……I just ignored him mostly, pissed him off more.  If fking darts were more important then why should he care where I was going.  I honestly was feeling a bit neglected at the time, like he didnt care that I was upset and that made me more angry.

I thought about driving off for awhile…….but I just drove up to mom and dads to look for the papers there.  Couldnt find them.  A few weeks before the move I came home and Stephen was in the middle of what he calls cleaning.  He had everything on the bed……he had messed up all my paperwork that I had organized…….things got shoved into places and it was that moment that I gave up. I lost my motivation to do anything.  I try to keep it organized…….he tries to help and ends up just irritating me.  He has a bad habbit of moving things…….I will have them placed somewhere, in a drawer or something………someplace where I know where it is.  The next time I go to look for it he has moved it.  This has started many fights……..I hate that he does that and Ive asked him not to until Im blue in the face…….but he doesnt listen.

I’ve lost my motivation for this house……for cleaning……..for organizing.  Maybe it has something to do with having waited nearly 6 months to finally get things going and once they did get going a war was started with the house company.  Stephen has made comments about me not doing anything thus far……I have done a few little things but I have no desire to do anything.  I dont want to deal with it anymore.  The whole experience has been tainted and Im no longer enjoying the process.  Im not even excited about it………I was for about a nano second……but thats it……Im not impressed at all.  When we first started looking……..I was excited…….Stephen makes comments about it being "our house" he’s excited but I dont have that same feeling.  I wish I did and Im bitter because I dont.  Why cant I too be happy and excited about it?!?!?!  I deserve to be……but Im not.

I’m just not feeling quite right.  I’m not a happy person.  Im tired of fighting with him. I hate fighting with him, I hate yelling at him.  I dont want to yell at him……..but sometimes its just like WTF………like the other day……I have a pair of scissors that I had clearly marked, in capital letters in 6 different locations on them that they were HAIR ONLY!.  He used them to cut paper or something………I asked why and he said because he found this other pair of hair scissors and thought it was no big deal.  I was pissed.  I felt like what I say and how I feel doesnt mean anything.  When I wrote that on there months ago I specifically pointed it out to him.  I felt disrespected.  Like a slap in the face.  To make matters worse, he cut something else right there in fron

t of me to be spiteful.  To him it was something dumb to be upset about…….to me it was much more.

Does what I say and how I feel not matter?  In one ear out the other?  Stephen………STOP MOVING SHIT…..he does it anyways………HAIR ONLY…….he does it anyways……WHY NOT WAIT UNTIL WE HAVE THE CURRENT MESS CLEANED UP……he does it anyways.

I dont want to yell at him, Im tired of yelling at him.  I’m not going to anymore.  Instead, from now on, I will walk away.  He always walks away  or tries to and it pisses me off, but I dont care anymore.  Repeating myself, yelling…….nothing has worked.  Im tired of fighting.  Im tired of feeling like shit about myself because things upset me.  So……

I’m just going to walk away………