Not really frequently asked, but these were asked:

Does Stephen want to be done??

Stephen never really cared to get started.  Well, I dont know that with certainty but I do know that he said, when we first started dating, that he didn’t care either way.  If he had kids great, if not that would be ok too.  He says he is fine with the 2 he has, that we really cant afford any more.  Not to mention how hard things were back then for us, it made it super hard on me and I went through a lot of crazy emotions.

I agree with him.  We can’t afford it right now.  I also agree that it was VERY hard on me.  But that doesnt mean I wouldnt do it again in a heartbeat.  Of course I would MUCH rather wait until we are in a financial situation to do so.  I do not/will not put myself what I went through the first time around.

If you were to have another, would you be guaranteed a natural birth?

Nope. Not at all. Which is another risk I would be taking.  But how do you ever know "what if" if you dont do it?

I have always felt like both of my doctors cheated me.  With Brooke my Ob/Gyn sent me to a specialist for a second opinion, I saw this specialist on a regular basis until the 37 week mark.  The specialist monitored me just as closely as the Ob did, in the end he said it would be ok for me to deliver vaginally since things were going so well, but ultimately it was up to my doctor. My doctor humored me and checked my cervix, said it wasnt ready, and then scheduled the c-section.

With Stephen one of my initial questions was a VBAC, the doctor assured me if things went smoothly that yes I could attempt it.  However, when I hit 37 weeks she said lets go ahead and plan a c-section.  Convinetly she timed it so that I could be in and out the day before Thanksgiving.  I asked again about the VBAC she said it wasn’t an option.

I honestly feel like they both scheduled me so that it would be easier for them. 

Ironically, shortly after I had Stephen, they came out to say that repeat c-sections would no longer be the practiced norm, that it wasn’t necessary in most cases, that a VBAC was the better option.

Although, since I’ve already had 2 c-sections Im sure it would be harder to find someone willing to do a VBAC.


Not only did I miss out on experiencing "real" child birth, I didn’t get to see my daughter for about 7 hours, They VERY briefly showed her to me in the OR, I was too doped up to even realize what was going on.  The nurse told me something that sounded like complete jibberish and Stephen took off with Brooke to the NICU.  By the time they had the sedation coming down and getting ready to take me to recovery I was able to function and understand things enough to ask for clarification as to what was going on.  I have no idea how much time went by from the moment they took her to the moment I was able to ask what was going on, but for sometime I had NO idea where my baby was, what was wrong with her, or even the cognitive function to realize something was wrong.  That, in no way shape or form is ok!  After I finally made it to my actual room, I was unable to go see her for several hours, because I couldnt just get up and skip down to the NICU.  I had people coming in to visit who had seen her through the window and I hadn’t.  I had NO idea what she looked like, how she smelt, how soft her skin was.  NOTHING!  When I finally did get to go to the NICU to see her, I was in a wheelchair and couldnt stand up, she was in the incubator bed thing way up high.  I reached my hand up and touched her, that was it.  It was hours later that I was finally able to stand and see her face to face.  I spent a lot of time alone in my little cramped room, in pain.  In fact, there was  a day when I got up to use the restroom, I was in sooo much pain, in tears I called for my nurse to help, she was very snotty about it all and told me it was my own fault for refusing to take my meds at the time I was supposed to.  Excuse me, you’re my nurse, have a little bit of a heart please.  The reason I didnt want to take my meds was because I wanted to be in my right mind, I wanted to be able to go home and hold my baby.  I didnt want the REAL drugs, I wanted something a little less aggressive.

With Stephen, there were no complications so things werent exactly the same.  But they were still not great.  I wasn’t as doped this time.  I dont know if it was adrenaline and refusing to allow myself to get that far gone again, or what, but I stayed very much alert and aware of everything.  In fact, I actually felt them pulling him out, I felt him slide right out of me, which was an awesome feeling.  I looked at Stephen and told him he was coming, they were pulling him out.  However, once again, they took him, so that they could do the normal things they needed to do, and I was sent off to recovery.  I had to sit in recovery for an hour, by myself.  I asked for my mom but she couldn’t come in.  I didnt bother asking for Stephen because with both babies, our agreement was no matter what he stays with the baby.  I rushed my recovery along.  I was forcing myself to move, forcing the anesthesia to wear off, trying to force my feet to move, pick them up, wiggle my toes.  Anything to get me to my baby faster.  Once I finally got in a room they eventually brought him to me.  However, I was on a morphine drip because of the surgery, which meant that I was not allowed to be alone with him.  If Stephen had to leave the room for any reason at all I had to call the nursery to come get him.  Again, unfair.  I should have been allowed to be with him.  So, I slacked off on the morphine and could not wait to get rid of it.  Id rather deal with the pain than have them taking my baby away.

So yes, I want that, I want to deliver my baby, allow my body to do what its made to do, and be able to hold my baby right then and there, no questions asked, no one telling me I cant, not being able to comprehend what’s going on around me.  I want that experience.

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November 14, 2012

Well you’re still young and there is still time to have another. 😉 Maybe you’ll get to experience natural birth someday. Never say never. *hugs*