Still fighting the urge…

I saw a baby today. 

It’s still so hard for me to accept the fact that this is it for me.  That I will never experience that.  How unfair. 

I know I should be grateful I have 2 wonderfully, amazing, loving, happy, healthy kids….I shouldnt long for more, I shouldnt feel like something is missing.

But I cant help but feel that way.

How selfish of me when there are more women out there than there should be who are deserving and longing for even just one.

I have 2.

I am lucky.

I am grateful.

I am blessed.

But I am not complete, not whole.

I selfishly want to experience child birth.

I selfishly want more children.

Part of me is afraid. Why ruin a good thing?  Why take the chance of having a risky pregnancy/unhealthy child?

What about the part of me that is angry with myself for bringing children into this world?  This world that has no uncertain future?  Why would I do that again?

Because, my heart wants to.

Because I want to.