You told me but you never really showed me

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So much going on.  The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly.

The Good….

Brooke just turned 5!!  Where has the time gone?  She starts kindergarten in about 3 weeks.  Soon, she will be graduating high school and off to college, then starting her own life.

Lil Stephen will be 4 in November.  I officially have no babies left.  L 

They are school-age now.  We’ve passed infancy, toddler, pre-school, and now are in the school-age zone.

It truly has gone by way too fast.  The last week or so I have looked at little Stephen and I have noticed how much he has grown up.  He just looks so much more grown up.  My heart breaks.

The Bad….

We are officially losing our house.  I have tried in vain to get Bank of America to talk to me, much less work with me for nearly 5 years.  It is really hard to accomplish anything with a corporation that refuses to even acknowledge you.  So, they have forced us into this.  I will spare the details.  However, we are in the middle of trying to short-sale our home.  If that does not work out, then our foreclosure date is set for September 3. 

The Ugly….

My marriage is once again in shambles.  I am officially over it all.  I don’t want to be a part of this lie any more.  I cannot go back this time.<span styl

e=”mso-spacerun:yes”>  Time and time again I have chosen to forgive and move on, and time and time again it happens again.  No more.  I have told him I am done with him, I don’t want him, and I want him to leave. 

I hit him.  Something I have never done, but I was angry and hurt, for the last time, more than I ever have been in the past.  In the past I have begged for changes, but it never happens.  I told him in January that if it happens again then I am done, no more chances. 

I regret hitting him.  I regret some of the things I said to him.  But most of all, I regret letting things go this far.  I regret allowing him to hurt me time and time again.  I regret not walking away years ago.  I regret being played for a fool. 

My children will now be raised in a broken home.  Something I vowed would never happen.  I vowed that no matter what I would overcome and work hard to make my marriage work.  No matter what.  I was wrong.  I can’t do this anymore.  My heart hurts too much.  I am tired of being hurt, being let down, being made to look like an idiot.

Overall, Stephen is a wonderful man.  I love him with my whole heart.  I couldn’t have picked a better life partner, father to my children, or friend.  But, he does have his flaws, who doesn’t.  I tried my best to love unconditionally, but being hurt/able to trust my spouse is not something that can be overlooked.

My heart hurts.  My heart hurts for me, for him, for our children.  Our children will be forced to face situations that no child ever should have to.  I pray for comfort for them.

I pray that he finds a way to work past his demons and does not make the same mistakes in the future that he made with me. 

I pray that I can pick myself up and move on.  I pray that… I don’t know, I just pray. 

I pray that God steps in and saves me, saves him, saves us.  I pray that God moves in his heart and opens his eyes before doors are completely closed. 

I am allowing him to stay here, he is sleeping in the spare room, and we are not speaking.  He has nowhere to go.  I have too much love for him to just throw him out on the street.  However, I did tell him that once the house is gone he will need to be gone.

I did not tell him yesterday that we received an offer on the house. 

 

 

"Somewhere Love Remains"

Here we go again
Sitting on the edge of leaving
You don’t have to speak
I can see it in your eyes
I know you too well
You know I can tell you’re hiding
Something inside

Baby just breathe in, breathe out
Before you turn around, just slow down
Th