No man, New man?, Being on my own.

So things are going good and this WEEK I earned €2,900. This WEEK.

I remember when I first started out I was setting a boal of 2K per month. I am happy with myself but I realised something while I was cleaning up the kitchen.

Money doesnt make you happier.

I am no happier this week than I was last week.

More tired because of all the work I have been doing. Tomorrow I will be able to treat my kids to new clothes and pay off the last of my debt. I now owe nobody anything.

No mortgage, no borrowings, nothing. I am debt free and that makes me happy. From now on I will be going into the black.

Its been two years since I have been debt free. I borrowed 2.5K to get a new boiler for my heating system and its taken me this long to pay it off. But pay it off I did.

My third daughter is starting law school in September so I have payments to make for her registration which I can pay in two halves thank god. And I am paying for her to go to spain for a week with her friends and myself and my other daughter are going away for a sun holiday to get a little more warmth into our bones.

Living and working in Ireland makes you want that. Some sunshine and warmth and vitamin D from the sun. It makes your humour and mood feel better too. I am so looking forward to that.

I am sitting in my dressing gown with a cup of herbal tea, lemon and ginger here beside me. Its 11pm and I am going to bed. I have been to busy to notice that I have a cold but I can feel it now that I have stopped working. I have been in my dressing gown all day because I am so tired.

Tomorrow is another day and I will have more energy then. My house is tidy, my kids happy, my laundry done, my bed waiting.

My boyfriend gone, I broke it off with him.

He was too wrapped up with himself.

He would call be two or three times per day, needy. Hed call and tell me all about himself and then say goodbye.

There was no room for me.

It was all about him.

So I ended it.

He wrote me back after a week saying that he was devestated and not saying that he understood my reasons or anything just that I had done it to him at a very low point in his life and that if that was what I wanted he would move on as I said.

I wrote back thought I know I shouldnt have.

I said, everythime you call its all about you and you hang up and take no interest in me or the important things that are happening in my life. I said it was unbalanced and wouldnt work out for us as we were so far apart, me in Ireland and him in Australia, coming back and forth.

I’m not putting up with anyones shit any more.

I listened to some guided meditations this morning, self confidence etc because no matter that it was me that ended things I do feel lonely now. I felt lonely in the relationship actually, thats why I ended it.

I dont really want a man in my life. What I want is a friend who will hug me and kiss me and who I find attractive and who I want to have sex with and who doesnt stiffle me or neglect me.

I saw a guy in work and I think he likes me. I like him but I am not allowing myself to go there.

Every time I see him I feel like a little electric shock. I know he feels the same because I catch him looking at me out of the corner of his eye as he passes.

Every time I catch myself thinking that it would be nice if he asked me out I stop myself from thinking like that. He could be married for all I know with kids.

Its all just fantasy and I dont want to go there.

Im not going there.

Hes cute though. Handsome in a rugged way with long hair that he ties back.

Hes the only one in the office with long hair and it suits him.

Stop. No more thinking about him.

I dont need a man.

I can make myself happy.

Its good for me to be alone and I need to realise that.

Im tired now, time for bed.

Goodnight and I will be back soon.

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May 4, 2018

I feel the same way as you. I tell my friends that I want a best friend I can fuck.