Feeling Suicidal
Been trying to get on top of things but it’s not happening. Got a therapist that is great. Read a wonderful book she recommended, Unspoken Legacy by Claudia Black. It has helped me understand why I am such a messed up human. BUT despite knowing why I am the way I am and the steps I need to take to change things I persist in the same pattern. Why can’t I move on from the trauma and alcoholism? It’s safe and what I know and am accustom to. I know I should want to get healthy for myself and my kids and the people that care about me but I just can’t seem to get there. Before breaking out my computer to write this entry I was thinking about the best way to end it all. Don’t have any connections to get enough drugs to end it that way. Scared of drowning because that’s how my brother died. Don’t have any knowledge about guns or how to purchase one. Scared that if I jumped off a building it would be like slow motion and I would want to change my mind mid stream. S0 I am at a loss at what to do next.
*hugs* I’m here to listen…
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Been there a few times. The suicide thing. There are many ways to off yourself and many ways to fuck it up 😉 Then again there is still much GOOD that can happen. A few more movies to see etc. I have been up and down with the drinking and drugs thing. Currently over 2 months sober. Lost weight living clean. No more cannabis crap. If you want to bullshit some time we can make arrangements. If you use whatsapp my number is  1 7349051666. I prefer that to texting stuff. I been through some shit so…the least I can do is offer empathy. and listening. You are not a messed-up human. You just going through some shit. Be compassionate with yourself. Baby steps. I got 2 birds. I told a social worker and the docs I live for them. Helluva thing to leave them to someone that may not care about them. You got kids. THAT matters and besides… some good stuff up ahead. Little by little. For now your homework assignment is stop beating up on yourself 😉
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I have been where you are at right now. Trauma and alcoholism are difficult to move through. I don’t think there is ever a “moving on”, only through.
I would urge you to call your therapist and tell them how you are feeling, or even the hotline- where you can talk to someone, and maybe release a little pressure.
Please do not hurt yourself. Your children need you, and like Scott said, there is still a lot left to experience. Please reach out to me if you’d like to talk. I am a very good listener.
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Camus said that the only real question in philosophy was whether or not to kill oneself.
Maybe you are going about it in the wrong way? A change in mindset might help. Quit thinking in terms of what you are moving from and think about what you want to move towards.
This is your RPG; you don’t have to stay on the main story line. There are shit tons of awesome side quests out there if you are not enjoying the game.
You have permission to write whatever story you want. That include rewriting your past or just thinking of it as am origin story. What types of powers would a hero have that shared your origin story?
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