I am losing it
Ok, I had a lot of ice tea at lunch today, so that makes me all jittery… and compounds my uneasy feelings, but I am just melting down.
the only thing that gives me confidence that it will be ok, is that i have gone through this before and it all works out in the end.
I am having the proverbialy mid life crisis.
My job sucks… I was on top of the world when we sold the company. I made a ton of money. I have made enough that i never have to work again in my life… I have accomplished my financial/career goals… and now I am stuck working for the acquiring company.. 15 months left to remove my golden hand cuffs… but every day that goes by eats at my psyche… I don’t know how to be successful at this new company. they are located far away and I work remotely. I hate working remote. I feel so disconnected. I feel so unaccountable… I feed off of people. I need people around me… the phone just doesn’t work. even if I moved there, I am not sure I could be successful since it is such a complex and chaotic organization/business… its hard to get stuff done. It makes me feel like a failure… every day that goes by I feel more like a failure… I used to think I was highly motivated by financial security and once I had it, I would be able to dial back my type a competitive drive… but, I can’t… even though I have all the money I will ever need… I still want to win… I still want to accomplish things… I still want to be seen as a person who has great ideas and makes them happen… I have the great ideas in this company, but I have no idea how to make them happen… its so fustrating… it causes me to look in ward and think there is something wrong with me… I feel like maybe my success at building the prior company was a fluke… I got lucky. I hate being stuck here… I want so badly to move on… I am always wanting to try new stuff… now i have the financial where with all to pursue any career/passion I have.. but I am stuck at this company for 15 more months… and I am getting more and more depressed… I don’t know what will be left at the end of the 15 months… I am so depressed…
Its also scary to think about the next chapter in my life… what will I do? I want to try a bunch of stuff and see what sticks… I know that whatever I do, it will have to be with people that are fun to go to work with every day… people I feel accepted by… that is a big issue for me. I lack confidence… I feel like I don’t fit in… I wonder if I will ever feel like I fit in… when it was my company… I fit in… for the first time in my life I felt like I belonged to something… that that organization not only accepted me, but valued me… exalted me… Now I feel like a useless cog in the giant machine. I don’t feel valued… I don’t feel like I fit in… I am just doing time… I hate doing time…. I don’t think I would do well in jail… as a fat white bald guy, I wouldn’t do well in jail, but even if I was in solitary, I wouldn’t do well… I can’t jsut do time… I have to be working for somehting… competing… and I have to be with people I know, respect, value, value me and trust… trust is huge…
I have trust issues… I felt abandoned by my step father… and my mother… when I was a teenager… my grandparents were my safety net… then they died… I am afraid of being all alone… not belonging to anything…
my wife is that stable force in my life… she is that steadying hand that gets me through my ups and downs… how can she stand being with me… when I am like I am now… I am so high maintenance… when I get like this… I want comforting and nurturing… she doesn’t give me that… but she is always there… she won’t leave me… she will always make sure things keep going… but the way I feel… I want nothing more than to go home and make love… stay in bed all day… she isn’t that way at all… sex isn’t that important to her… its a nice to have if everything else has been taken care of… cleaning, kids, etc…. for me… its like fuel… it makes me feel good about myself… it validates me… it comforts me… its like a drug. I think it is some how biological… not just psychological.