I wrote this on Jan 13, 2019 before I had this account reclaimed… great to keep it in one place
I am depressed….
I haven’t felt this way since I was 19 or 20. Back then, I was feeling worthless. I lacked direction. I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere. However, in just 2 years, my life would change dramatically. I don’t know if I made all the right decisions, but many of the outcomes were amazing. I found a group of people I enjoyed studying with, that led to successful grades which gave me the confidence to explore jobs in that area. Then, I found a job that led to my career and people I would work with for the rest of my working life. Ultimately, I started a company with people I met in that first career job. That company eventually, after 8 painful years, was bought for a lot money and I had “Fuck You” money. I could now do whatever I wanted.
During the same time, I left my college girlfriend of 6 years because we were stuck and I was fearful I would end up alone. Also, her family didn’t accept me. I wasn’t their religion. I wanted to be connected to a “traditional” family that accepted me… that would fill the whole I had from being raised by a single mom. I found someone who filled that whole perfectly. She shared my desire for a traditional family. All she ever wanted to be was a mom. And, her family embraced me and brought me in as one of their own. We’ve been married for over 25 years. We have 2 beautiful daughters. We have created the “perfect” “traditional” family. Now they are starting to leave the nest. The family dynamic is changing. We are a cliche. The kids leave the nest and I don’t know whether we belong together.
I am feeling worthless. I lack direction. I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.