Time for a change?

I wrote this on Jan 13, 2019 before I had this account reclaimed… great to keep it in one place

I am depressed….

I haven’t felt this way since I was 19 or 20.   Back then, I was feeling worthless.  I lacked direction.  I didn’t feel like I belonged anywhere.  However, in just 2 years, my life would change dramatically.  I don’t know if I made all the right decisions, but many of the outcomes were amazing.  I found a group of people I enjoyed studying with, that led to successful grades which gave me the confidence to explore jobs in that area.  Then, I found a job that led to my career and people I would work with for the rest of my working life.  Ultimately, I started a company with people I met in that first career job.   That company eventually, after 8 painful years, was bought for a lot money and I had “Fuck You” money.  I could now do whatever I wanted.

During the same time, I left my college girlfriend of 6 years because we were stuck and I was fearful I would end up alone. Also, her family didn’t accept me. I wasn’t their religion.  I wanted to be connected to a “traditional” family that accepted me… that would fill the whole I had from being raised by a single mom.  I found someone who filled that whole perfectly.  She shared my desire for a traditional family.  All she ever wanted to be was a mom.  And, her family embraced me and brought me in as one of their own.  We’ve been married for over 25 years.  We have 2 beautiful daughters.  We have created the “perfect” “traditional” family.  Now they are starting to leave the nest.  The family dynamic is changing.  We are a cliche.   The kids leave the nest and I don’t know whether we belong together.

I am feeling worthless.  I lack direction.  I don’t feel like I belong anywhere.


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