אני קושית יפה/I’m a Cute Black Girl Pg 108

I started off my Pesach this year by doing a Mitzvah. I volunteered to help delivery some Pesach Parcels to members of our shul that are either living in ‘Old Age Homes’ or ‘On their Own’…people that are members to our shul and we want to reach out to.

Yesterday I delivered a parcel to a gentleman who actually gave me a hug and thanked me so much. It was like I was getting a hug from my father. It was so meaningful and made me smile and warmed my heart.

BUt then the reality hit in that I was not having a 1st nigth seder… my 2nd oldest sister, who lives in the same city as me didn’t think of inviting me…my father was invited to his friends and his girlfriend doesn’t seem capable to create that homey lifestyle my late mother created for us adn everyone felt part of no matter where you came from…right now I haven’t got the financial means to do much for the home that I am wanting to create and my husband is Christian…

While I didn’t celebrate 1st night Pesach I did end my night off with a bowl of Chicken Soup and some Matzah. But is that enough? I am trying to make time to read the Tannach and go to Shul and follow the weekly Parasha but I know I could be trying harder to do it as I am not being dilligent and I am not creating a Jewish Home, as much as I want to. I could blame it on finance or Non-Jewish husband, but in all honestt I think I am to blame. I try real hard but am falling short in all means of my life and feel as I just might be lost in the desert or life too. I mean 40 is hitting next year and I know I didn’t have a hard childhood by any means and the difficult life that I am having now is very much my own doing but isn’t it similar to how the Jews cried out to Hashem and questioned if leaving Egypt was worht it all when they were in fact now lost and fighting survival. Is Hashem going to wait for my next generation to live a fruitfu life? Well that is nmot going to work because I do not have any kids and right now as much as I want to become a mother I don’t know how I would afford one?

I really wish I knew what Hashem would want from me so I can live a somewhat easier and more fulfilling life. Please Hashem show me the right way and give me the strength to make that decision and change to live a better life.

It is all very easy to believe that Hashem loves me and I am his child and that things will work out, but I feel so lost and just wish I knew where to turn or what to do now.