Being Honest With Myself!
If I am being honest I am just so full of talk…talk…talk…talk….talk and I never get down to completing anything. I could blame this on the head injury that I suffered many years ago, when I was in a very bad car accident. But I know the truth is that I am lazy and think I am above it all and it is okay for me not to follow through. But I am getting sick of it, when I find myself in the same place every day. But I think it’s more than that. I want more for myself. I deserve more.
I want to loose weight, but I just can’t seem to get myself to follow through on anything. I can blame so many things for my life being what it is, but the truth is that I am just so fuckin’ lazy and want an easier way. My excuses…
I prefer going to gym in the morning, but right now the sun comes up late and I would rather not walk to gym in the dark…I could drive there but petrol is so darn expensive…so I could go after work! But I do prefer going in the morning…after work, I am so drained and tired.
But if I am being honest, in Summer, when the sun was up by 4:30 am, I still didn’t get up to go to gym.
….
….to cook healthy meals…bullshit the amount of time I wait for takeout is more time than what I would need to cook a stir fry.
….to study and further my education…I spend so much time watching TV and other shit ie. reading slapstick romantic stories, I could probably have completed a diploma if I spent that time studying. Although I am working on converting to Judaism, so I forgo my not studying for a diploma/degree right now.
I have so many other excuses for everything…
HE SAYS: It’s almost home time and weekend starts, can’t wait to see you lil lover.
I SAY: No repeats of last weekend.
HE SAYS: Nah not in the mood, not gonna lie. I tend to have those thirsty moods after 3 wks. so after 3 wks start asking if I am ok lol.
Yesterday he met with some guy that could help him get into Stock Trading, 
anyway…
…he comes home and I see him holding a packet from the liquor store…I raise my eyebrows….
HE TELLS ME… the guy was driving a sports car and looked all smart so when he dropped me off back at home I couldn’t look like I had nothing and so asked him to stop at the liquor store so I could show that I have money…. (Okay so I am paraphrasing, but that is the gist of what he said)
I kept quiet and let it go. We went out, I had a drink with a shot of vodka, he didn’t…well of course by the time we went out he had drunk about 180 ml of Vodka already.
I don’t know where I am going with this…so I am just going to turn the tables on me, because right now I don’t think I can be upset anymore when I am allowing all of this to happen and just looking past this times when he has been drinking…I only allow it to be an issue when I am not really having a good time, or see failures.
This morning I woke up to the smell of Vodka…and I know it was him as he was snoring next to me. When I brought it up he turned the tables onto me.
HIS RESPONSE: why is it that you always want to call it quits with me when I have been drinking, but it is okay for me to buy chocolate and not go to gym and not follow through with that I say I am going to do…
…I just looked away and he walked out of the room.
On some level he is right! But I know that even if I went to gym every day, and ate only vegetables he would still drink. And just because either of us do wrong doesn’t mean that it is okay for the other to do wrong too.
IF I AM BEING HONEST… I don’t want to be alone and I do love him, but don’t want to be alone so I just settle. I settle for the 2nd best version of myself, I settle for the 2nd best version of him.
When I was sitting in the lounge early I looked at my wrists and thought about slitting them…but realized that doesn’t change or help anything. 
Yesterday, I spoke to my Bio Mother. Many years ago she was in a car accident and for years she has been fighting with the Road Accident Fund. For them to compensate her for any trauma and loss she has suffered because of the accident. So the other day the lawyers told her they had made an offer. I am happy for her. 7 year since her saga with the RAF began and she is finally been giving what she deserves. I thought about my case. It took just under 5 years. Immediately I wanted to call and thank my dad for fighting for me. But then I thought about what have done with all that money since then, and I realized that without my father I would be worth nothing and I have done nothing with my life. So I need to make a change and start living and 