Crashing!

I see it happening again…well not exactly, but this is how it started. How the anxiety attacks started, which led me to a Clinic…

Round about this time last year I found out my husband was having an affair. Okay he wasn’t really having an affair but in my eyes it was pretty close. speaking over to some girl who lived in the UK…she sending pictures of her boobs to him…him telling her “Fuck my Wife…” and the two of them fantasizing about being together….her moving to Cape Town to be with him and having me on the side. Fuck, while I am writing this I am asking myself why the fuck did I stay with him. I mean this would have been my perfect out. Of course then his drinking was real bad and I would come home from work to find hidden bottles of alcohol in the flat. After confronting him about the messages that I managed to see on his phone, I managed to crab the phone from him before he could delete the messages like he did before, he got me to believe that it was just a slip and she meant nothing….he was just trying to console her as she was having issues with her baby daddy, and he was just venting because of his stresses.

I wish I had an escape for my stresses.

I looked in the fridge this morning to get an idea of what to prepare for supper tonight and…besides last night’s left over pasta these was nothing else. I used the last few fruits we had to make Protein Shakes for us.

When we were driving to my work, the ‘‘ went off to indicate that the petrol was real low…on the 

I was holding back tears while we were driving to my work.

I am holding back tears now.

My husband told me that he has R 500 for us. That will get us through until I get paid… but I got my notification on my phone calendar that I have to renew the car license…so there is another couple of grand, I have to fork up. I don’t know what to do.

I just want to crawl into a hole and not come out. 

For a few months now I have been playing the and and every few days I pray that I picked the lucky numbers that are going to win us those millions. I have it all planned out. Donating some to my husband’s church and to my synagogue. Helping out Families. Covering out Accounts and Loan and Investing some. Getting my dream house. Our dream cars. Hope writing this all didn’t just jinx me.

Yesterday, I was looking at a friend’s Facebook page and saw that she has a new boyfriend….well been with him for a few months now, but he lives in JHB and she lives in CT. While I was scrolling through her page, I saw how she travels up to see him and he travels to see her. He just took her away on a trip to a wine farm.  .

Why can I not be treated and just made to feel special. Yesterday I was looking around our messy flat and I saw the roses that I bought myself…they are now dead, so not quite sure why they are still in their vase on the dining room table, and then I looked at the washing that was on the washing stand and saw a t-shirt that I bought him a few weeks ago…and I thought to myself ? Like when I am doing house shopping I think about what he may like and if I can afford it, I will buy it. When he told me that he got R 500 for us to use to buy petrol and food, I thanked him profusely and he says  , do things have to be so bad for him to actually do something to help our situation?