Today started off really well…
Went looking at cars…I really need to get a new car. I didn’t realize just how nice the Volkswagen Tiguan was, until I sat in the latest model today…. I fell in love with it….sunroof, steering wheel adjusts…so many hip specs that kinda make driving pointless. I joked with the sales man that with all the perks of the car I could drive sleeping… I mean I could set the car to auto drive at a set speed and then it would drive itself, it actually slows down when it is coming close to a car….it parks itself….I mean damn humans are getting damn lazy…
Anyway after looking at cars, I went and made a booking to get my first tattoo done next week Sat. I am so scared about getting it done but since it is just small phrase, it apparently won’t take too long….approximately 20 min. I am excited about getting my 1st tatt.
Husband and I decided we would have a braai at home tonight…just the two if us…so grabbed some meat and salad ingredients. Came home and chilled for a bit…
Just before I start prepping…he asks me for money so he can buy vodka. Like seriously WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK. I tell him I am not going to reply because he knows what I am going to say. He leaves me for a few min and I go into a sulk…he then asks me again and wants to know why I won’t give him an answer. I tell him to take the money and do whatever he wants….
Let’s not forget that while we were having lunch today we spoke about the benefits of a therapist, he went on to tell me that the one I contacted last week hasn’t gotten in touch with him…he agreed to look for someone else.
Anyway…so I am making potato salad, spicing the chops and making an Israeli Salad (well that is what I grew up calling it in my family….but it is just onion, cucumber and tomota and a simple vinegarette) so while I am doing this he keeps bumping into me in the kitchen and opening and closing the fridge…only pissing me off more. While I am prepping and mixing and blah blah blah…he leaves….
While I am cleaning up the kitchen I see an empty 500ml bottle of vodka in the bin. Like seriously!!!
The plan was for him to cook the chops….and while I read my kindle I look up from the couch and he is just faffing around in the kitchen, doing nothing.
So I decide to just fry the chops. I dish up supper for myself, eat in the dining room and then retreat to the bedroom…I might as well spend the rest of my Sat night reading.
For the past 1hr+ he just keeps coming in and out of the room….going on that I have no right to be upset as he is just enjoying his Sat and why is it okay for me to have chocolate but then get upset when he has a drink. He goes on questioning how I can say that I love him and be all merry when I am doing me and he is going along with my plans, but when he drinks I go into a mood. He goes on about being Zulu and not needing me…
Fuck!! Why do I keep doing this to myself? I don’t know what to actually do. A lil over a week ago I was in the exact same position as I am in now.
When am I actually going to learn?
When am I going to be brave enough to see that I am in a hopeless relationship?
When am I going to accept that I am worth more than what I am living and that I don’t need him?
When will it finally be enough?