It’s Never Gonna End!

It’s Friday…generally the 1st or last Friday of the month…and I know it…I can feel it coming…

2pm hits and he goes radio silent…

the last message I get from him is something about how the boss is going to have a braai for the staff…

And I know it! He is going to drink! Alcohol will be presented to him and he won’t refuse it!

the promises he has made to me about how he will stop drinking.

how he felt last week, and the weeks before that, when he woke up with a hangover and how he hated himself for drinking.

 how much I hate it when he drinks.

 how his drinking is pushing me away and how one day I may just finally give up and walk away and never look back…does he even worry about that ever happening?

…

I rush home and cook us a nice supper!

I try and include him in my Shabbat nights and prayers.

I try and plan active weekends for us.

While I choose the chocolate, he chooses the alcohol. 

At least I am seeking help, all the time.

 (Have it provisionally booked for the end of November this year and so now I need to meet the docs and prepare for it.)

I may stumble over and over and over and over again but at least I am doing something and trying to fix myself. He will only got to AA after I threaten to kick him out…he will go to a few meetings and when all is good between us, he stops. He won’t go to rehab. He tells me that he can control his drinking. He wants to stop! He will just have 1 or 2…he will just smoke a carton of cigarettes… and I will just cry myself to sleep…and then wake up to a room that stinks of alcohol.