Life Sucks
….well at least mine does.
If I had to be honest….I’m not truly happy.
I want to start over. I want to wake up one day and let it be 2006 all over again.
Since it would be 2006, I would have had my accident and I would be stumbling through life….but at least I would be thinner than I am now and I could live a life where I stayed healthy.
I would have finished my studies….well not in 2006, but I could life a life where I focused on my studies.
I would have found a man that could really complete me.
He wouldn’t bring me down.
He wouldn’t be so condescending.
He would love me.
He would love himself.
It is Saturday morning.
I know I need to get up and get ready for my psych…but I would rather just stay in bed and cry.
Lock myself up and away from the world.
He slept in the spare bedroom last night. He has many times before….but when I woke up in the middle of the night and heard him snoring from the other room, I felt sad.
He just walked into our room and said good morning to me, but I didn’t reply. I cannot act like everything is okay. I am so done acting and pretending and just living life with a smile on my face.
Last night I could hear him talking on his phone and the whole time I was wondering if it was her…is that how I am always going to feel? Whenever he has been drinking and he talks on the phone late at night…will I always wonder if it is her?
Okay I need to get up!
Oh, my friend, how I know these sentiments entirely too well. I often wish to go back to 1991 and want a total redo. No dating A. I think I’d enjoy being pregnant more, and less fearful about it. Who knows? Maybe things would’ve been different there, too. I’d have kept going to school while I was working, and made use of tuition reimbursement until I graduated. So many things I wish I could redo – including finding a man who not only loves me, but who consistently treats me well and doesn’t say and do a lot of the things A says and does to me. In the absence of going backwards, since we can, all we can do is forge our way forward – however we have to do it to be happy.
@caria – but I am not truly happy.
@ncumisa Nor am I, sweetie.
@caria, we deserve to be happy. Life is too short. Please go and get your happy ending. Tonight I decided to work on getting mine.
@ncumisa Life is definitely too short, but at 55… I dunno. I dunno that I could start over now even if I wanted to.
@caria – yes you can. Age is just a number. Life is short and as long as you are still alive, it is never too late.
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