Watching The Bachelorette and Michelle just asked Rodney what his biggest fear was…and if I am being honest my biggest fear is not being enough…being alone….
When I look at my life and all the greatness in it, I should feel lucky. And I do. But I also feel as if I need to get up and stop settling.
I have had a shit weekend. And it isn’t the fist shit weekend that I have had and I an sure it is not going to be my last; because I am choosing to continue living my life with an alcoholic.
I like to think that having had the talk with him and telling him that I he needs to change or risk losing me is enough. But I need to actually live up to what I am saying.
Yesterday he told me that he might not come back when he goes to Durban…he continued to say that, he knows that is what I want. And honestly when he was saying that I wasn’t upset. When I told my father and even though I was crying when I told my father, I actually laughed a lil and said that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing.
As scared of being alone as I am…I think I am more scared of not being all that I want to be….
I am okay if I never find my true person. I am okay if I never get married. But I am not okay if this is what my life is going to be now.