My Biggest Fear

Watching The Bachelorette and Michelle just asked Rodney what his biggest fear was…and if I am being honest my biggest fear is not being enough…being alone….

When I look at my life and all the greatness in it, I should feel lucky. And I do. But I also feel as if I need to get up and stop settling.

I have had a shit weekend. And it isn’t the fist shit weekend that I have had and I an sure it is not going to be my last; because I am choosing to continue living my life with an alcoholic.

I like to think that having had the talk with him and telling him that I he needs to change or risk losing me is enough. But I need to actually live up to what I am saying.

Yesterday he told me that he might not come back when he goes to Durban…he continued to say that, he knows that is what I want. And honestly when he was saying that I wasn’t upset. When I told my father and even though I was crying when I told my father, I actually laughed a lil and said that it wouldn’t be such a bad thing.

As scared of being alone as I am…I think I am more scared of not being all that I want to be….

Happy

Thinner

A mother

Jewish

I am okay if I never find my true person. I am okay if I never get married. But I am not okay if this is what my life is going to be now.

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3 weeks ago

You will find your person and be a mother. Pray on it. Don’t fear this guy leaving you. He’s not doing you any favors by sticking around. It sounds like you will have the support of your family. Honey, do what you have to do to be happy. If it means leaving him, then do it. If it means staying, do that. Life is too short to be unhappy.

3 weeks ago

@caria 😘

2 weeks ago

Here’s me being facetious…but, I dare him to not come back.  He won’t, obviously, because that was designed to get a fearful reaction out of you.

If you did so, I forgot…but did you ever watch La Bamba?

2 weeks ago

As much as the things he has said to me has hurt me I know that he doesn’t really mean them and just says them to get a reaction from me.

I am not going to lie and say that it wouldn’t tear me apart if he decided not to come back. Nor am I going to lie and say that a part of me doesn’t just wish that he would make the choice for me and just not come back. It is kind of fucking confusing.

All I know if that I do love him and there are times when he does make me happy. But on that same note any relationship he may have had with my family and close friends has been strained and is just about irreparable right now, so that hurts.

I haven’t watched La Bamba, yet. I got the movie, I am very keen on watching it…I have that movie and I have The Post and The President’s Men to watch too. Maybe this weekend I will watch them.