Ever wondered if you were just doomed to be unhappy and alone and just constantly hurt?
I look back on my life and realize how much has gone wrong and although I am sure I can make a change and be happy, I just feel like my life is always going to end up at a cul-de-sac on Depression Avenue.
How did my life go so wrong???
As a child I told everyone and anyone who would listen that I was going to be a Doctor…as I grew up I got more specific and decided I was going to be a pediatrician. Then I did work experience in the children’s ward at The Chrisitan Barnard Memorial Hospital and quickly changed my mind about working with sick kids…it was just too painful to see them hurt and sick and hear them cry for their parents.
So I looked deep inside my soul and realized my mom convinced me about being a doctor and I just convinced myself that that was what I wanted….but I loved accounting so I decided in grade 11 that I was going to be a chartered accountant.
University happened…off I went to university and studied my ass off to actually keep up with the workload….only to just then survive a car accident. This was in March 2005. So I had just been studying for about 2 months….been staying at res and from what I vaguely remember I was happy. But some maintenance guy decided to steal his bosses car, drive it while drunk, speed on a busy road on an overcast night. My night started off with 3 young girls in a car and ending with only 2 being removed with besting hearts…
2 weeks in a coma
Memory Loss. So I knew everyone that came to visit me, but I always called them someone else’s name. Except my dad. Apparently I still called him Abba. And since I had just been told that my 1 sister was pregnant, even though I forgot that, I was convinced that everyone that came to see me and had a big stomach was pregnant. Male or female…I asked them when they were going to have the baby and I would congratulate them.
Broken Thema Bone
Pin in leg
Glass in chin. (Which was only ever removed about 3 years later)
For about a year after the accident while I was recovering at home, I suffered with hearing loss and I didn’t even know it…and I suffered with short term memory, for about 3 years after the accident. I could be told the same story about 6 times in the same hour and it was a new story to me every time.
Due to so many check ups with various doctors it was discovered that my ear canal had been knocked out of place….so had to go through an operation in each ear.
After lots of talking and moaning and crying I convinced parents and doctors to let me go back to university. Now I still had short term memory so what ever the lecturer taught that day I had forgotten by the time I walked out of the hall. And so I failed tests and exams alot…and ended up dropping out of university.
Was a waitress for a year….then worked in a music/dvd/game store for about 2 years.
Decided to go back and give studying to become and accountant another chance. Didn’t really work out so dropped out again.
Before dropping out I lost my mom. 17th of Oct 2010. Lost my mom just before the end of year exams. Lost my mom when I was 24. Lost my mom while I was still living at home. Lost my mom while I was still trying to figure life out out. Lost my mom before I was anywhere close to getting married or having children. Lost my mom while I still needed her…I still need her…
Went back to retail….selling books for 2 years. And somewhere along the line I gave studying another shot.
So I was balancing working in a retail store, living on my own (well I had a roommate) and trying to keep up with my studies. Something had to give….so dropped out again.
Now I am in 2012. Living with a friend, keeping up with a long distance relationship with a guy who is now actually my husband…let’s not forget that since 2005 I have been on and off anti depressant and working in a book store.
2013 my boyfriend (present husband) and I were living together and I am working retail and he is a waiter in a hotel.
Life is good…so I thought. But my husband’s battle with alcohol started and I just tried to keep going.
I needed a change and so left retail and went into an office job for a real estate business as the junior administrator….only to get fired 3 months after starting. Que depression and meds. Husband…I mean boyfriend is still working at hotel. We have argued, over his drinking, on an off. I have put on about 30kg and can’t find a job.
I finally get an interview and get hired for the job 40 min after interview. 6 years later I am still in the same job, even though I am constantly looking for a new one…cuz I am so over my job and want to earn more money.
3 months into my new job my boyfriend and I get engaged.
For awhile we procrastinate about getting married and setting a date and before we know it we have been engaged for 2 years and no date has been set.
During those 2 years my fiancé stopped working in a hotel. I can’t even remember what exactly happened but I do remember him quitting his job at the hotel because he got into an argument with the manager, things got heated over him taking leave for a trip that we were going to take for my niece’s batmitzvah. I am pretty sure I stayed out of it, I just stood by him and whatever choice he made. These days whenever he is drunk he will lay it on me and tell me how he quit working at the hotel because I forced him to. He blames me for him going into a depression about not being able to find a job for just under 2 yes and drowning his emotions in vodka…