On My Own!
That is how I felt…well how I often feel. I had such high hopes for last weekend…but like many other weekends it was brought down my a drunk husband.
I went to Shul on my own and I know that this journey is all about me and is something that I want to do for myself, it just sucks that the one person that I have chosen to do life with was sleeping off his hangover.
On Saturday I spent some time with my dad and while I was being honest with him about his drinking, I was defending him. I was telling my dad how I am still feeling good and doing what I want, and that is true but I know I am lying when I say I am okay with this. I held back tears a lot of the day.
I hate how everything often ends up being about him. I guess I am partially to blame for that too…as pretty much everything that I do, I think about how it will impact him and if it suits him. Often I feel like he isn’t too bothered about how his actions affect me. But then when he is sober and things are going so well he is so attentive.
For the past 2 days he has been all about being better and doing better… yesterday he asked me “So in percentage level how much can you rate me in how i am trying than before, cause remember used to drink every weekend now once a month kinda so be fare , need to know how much i need to push for” I was honest with him… “So yesterday morning I would have rated you possibly 40% and today not 48%” but when sober I would rate him 90%.
I am reading this book and some of the characters are assess drinkers and the one character has on the verge of permanently damaging his kidney and liver. When I read this I immediately thought of my husband and what he is doing to himself. I would love for him to get his liver and kidney functioning tested. Maybe a scare from a doctor would be enough to get him to completely and fully quit drinking.
Yesterday while we were driving home from work he told me how he is understanding my desire for a child and he feels it too. SO he is prepared for us to work on ourselves…. 
This weekend I was watching or reading something about how alcoholism is often passed down in family. I have always kinda known this but never really thought too hard about it…and I kinda got worried about one day having a child that became an alcoholic or worse because their father is one. As much as I would love to carry a child, I googled about adopting.
Just emailed an adoption agency. Not sure what I am actually wanting or expecting. I mean there are so many reason why we are not ready for a child…but there are so many reasons why I am opening up my arms and am ready to accept any baby looking for a home and some love.
Just thinking about having a baby one day puts a dreamy look on face and warms me up inside and makes me smile. I am almost 36 and maybe this is what I need to do now.