Out Here on My Own

Sometimes I wonder where I’ve been,
Who I am,
Do I fit in.

The life that I am living right now is not the life that the younger me thought I would be living.

I look at myself now, and yes the characteristics and the person I see is the true me, but often I don’t recognise myself. I used to always be surrounded with girlfriends….always busy….always doing something….always happy and everyday was a great day.

I don’t know when I let myself slide down so much.

I mean sure I can blame it on being fat and not feeling like I fit in…although that has never been an issue. I mean I have always been larger than the others but I still created my own family and managed to shine amongst all the beauty that surrounded me.

Or I could blame it on not having so much financial backing.

Or I could blame it on marrying someone who is not exactly who I thought he was. I mean yes I do love him, and yes he does make me happy…but on that some breath he has made me cry many times, has made me question a lot, has made me unhappy, has filled me with regret.

Make believein’ is hard alone,
Out here on my own.

We’re always provin’ who we are,
Always reachin’
For that risin’ star
To guide me far
And shine me home,
Out here on my own.

Everyone thinks that I have a pretty perfect life and when I tell them that just this year I was in a clinic, as I was having a anxiety attacks…I am morbidly depressed…I have thought of killing myself many times….I am sure most people that know me would be shocked.

I mean how can someone who seems to have it all together…someone who wears nice clothes, lives in an expensive area…a Black Girl with a White Jewish Family…a girl who talks with an accent…a girl who is so smart even though she never finished university…how can things be really that bad for her?

I am sure my husband questions how bad things really are… I mean how can they be so bad when she will only shop at affluent shops…and whenever things are down she can run to her dad and he will help her out.

Today, while he was taking me to work, I brought up the loan thing. Yesterday he told me that because he has to pay back so much if he takes the loan now, he doesn’t want to take out the loan. He says that we can push through things until I get paid on Wednesday…I am actually getting paid on Thursday…and from then we will be okay. I showed him my budget and how my salary will be mainly covering our debit orders and accounts…yet he still thinks I will be able to see us through…I mean Don’t I Always?

When I’m down and feelin’ blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.

During these tough times I just wish that I could Close my eyes and be in my mommy’s bed and have her hug me and tell me everything is going to be alright. I mean yeah I suppose I could turn to my husband but he needs me to be strong…I worry that if I break down in front of him he will get stressed out and then turn to alcohol.

Oh, baby be strong for me;
Baby belong to me.
Help me through.
Help me need you.

Hey, I have to be the strong one. I have to keep the wheels turning. No one will really help me…I mean I know I have my family but I am too embarrassed to continue to keep turning to them…and I don’t want to hear them tell me to leave him. Most days when I am at work I will spend a good portion of the day looking at property online…and imagine myself and my husband and the kids that I dream of us having, living in that house and I dream about the changes I might make to it etc. Today….I went onto Property24 and I looked at flats for me to live in by myself…well by myself and my adopted child. Kinda crazy thinking about how my life would be on my own. Maybe I would be happier…okay I don’t know if I would be happier…but maybe things would be better…I dunno

Until the morning sun appears
Making light
Of all my fears,

Well more like the weekend, appears. Should it be a good weekend…he doesn’t drink and we just enjoy each others’ company and live happy days…it is easy for me to think that everything is alright and we will get through this. Everything will be okay, right? I mean things cannot be this bad forever, right?

I dry the tears
I’ve never shown,
Out here on my own.

But when I’m down and feelin’ blue,
I close my eyes so I can be with you.
Oh, baby be strong for me;

It is a new week…

Do my hair

Put on make up

Smile big and bright

Time to face the outside world and show everyone that I am okay, make myself believe that I am okay. I will get through this and soon The Morning Sun Will Appear…and everything will be better.