I will never forget the first time I walked into the clothing store he used to work in.
He looked really good and talked to me with that English Accent. I have always found Black Men with English Accents to be the sexiest things ever…okay one of the sexiest things ever…
Fast forward 10 years…in that time we moved in together, got engaged, broke up, got engaged again and finally got married…only for me to catch him emotionally cheating on me.
He always said he would never cheat on me because the idea of having other people’s spirits mixed in our relationship and destructing it was reason enough for him never to cheat. He still doesn’t see the fact that he sent messages to some other woman and spoke badly about me to her, told her to move down to CT and have his kids, viewed pictures that she sent of herself lying in a bath, as not cheating. I mean sure it wasn’t physical but it sure as hell was emotional and it did hurt me.
It is quite funny how he threatens to kick me out the flat that we live in, which I own, should I ever cheat. Not gonna deny the fact that I do often think about cheating.
From the start he always spoke about how he was studying to be a Compliance Officer…over the years that has changed but his end goal has always been to work in the corporate world.
Fast forward 11 years later and besides completing a Business Literacy course last year, he is no closer to that corporate world than I am to being Miss Universe.
He talks about how he is going to rule the world and have it all…I join in that dream too, because I do want it all, but I am not so naive to think that it will be easy or that it will definitely happen…so much so to neglect the present reality.
I told him a few months ago that he had to grow up and get a car. Didn’t think that he would get a luxury and expensive car and it would result in costing him so much.
I just wanted him to have something to make him feel good about himself (which having the car actually did) but I wanted him to also learn responsibility from having to deal with the expenses of having the car and deal with all the responsibility being a legal and constant driver would entail.
But sure, he refused to drive the car often, as petrol costs money…
The car has been in an accident so it sure as hell is costing him lots with him having to pay the excess fees for repair and let’s not forget his monthly payments for the car and insurance.
But still, I don’t think that he has grown any responsibility and all the stress the car is giving him is just making him turn to the alcoholic beverage more every day.
Last night while I was trying to watch…
he told me how he spoke to a marriage counselor we saw a few years ago…don’t know if that is a lil too late…
I wish there was some place I could go and just be separated from him.
I wish he would be the man that I know he can be and want him to be and need him to be.
I wish I could go back 11 years ago and change the way my life has turned out.
I wish I had the guts and enough in me to really end things.
I wish I was in the position where I could live on my own and adopt a child and together create our own family.
I wish I didn’t have to rely on my vibrator to satisfy me.
I’d love to go back 11 years, too, and change some things in my life that made it so much harder than it had/has to be.
I suppose we have to remember that the shit we go through only makes us stronger. It sucks though!