5/10/22

I feel compelled to write, but I don’t have anything that I haven’t said 100 times before. I’m sitting here at work listening to the one woman we work with, who just started dating a guy. He’s already moved in with her and she’s talking to another woman listing his faults, but also saying how she’s sad and wants to help him overcome all of them. WTF!!!

All I ever hear is how I have to fix myself before anyone would even approach me. How I am stuck and they don’t want to make the effort because I would weigh them down. Truth is, I’m not worth anyone’s effort. I’m not “hot” enough or rich enough or set enough. I have young children and they don’t want to be a mother, even though I don’t want them to be. I’m too old or too far. I’m starting over and not established.

I wasn’t good enough for Patty to stay with me even though she was there for the struggles, illnesses, deaths, and challenges. She witnessed firsthand how I tried and tried to make her safe, happy, and content, that it wasn’t my problem, it was our problems. She never said we shouldn’t this or that. Then when things got tough, after 20 years, she gave up on me when a guy with some money professed his love for her by saying he could solve all her problems. Not one thing from our marriage has she taken care of. I got all the debt and she got the shiny new life. Now, $20,000 in debt, with absolutely nothing to show for it, I’m not good enough for anyone. I’m “too bitter” for my friends. I’m “too absent of a father” for my sister’s respect. I’m not complacent enough for the ones I work with and for. I’m not financially set enough for anyone to date. I’m not worth enough for even a check-in from anyone.

I can’t “live” because I can’t afford to. Sure there are free things like church and groups, but I can’t afford to get to them or even have the time to. Get a hobby? Even the most mundane of what I would want to do is out of my price range. Go for walks. When you walk a hundred feet and your knees buckle under you because they are nothing but bone on bone and full of spurs. Get surgery on them. When you have no savings and shitty insurance that requires a high deductible before they even attempt to pay and their “doctors” that don’t think you need something that you need and they refuse to pay for it. Enjoy the single life. When all the shit I just mentioned is happening.

I’m sorry, but I can no longer give hope to the sayings and biblical passages that say this or that about what I am going through. It’s the “honeymoon” phase, she will realize what she did, NOPE. Things will get better. NOPE. You’re a handsome great man, anyone would love to be with you. NOPE In times like this, turn to God, friends, and family for support, they love you and will be there. NOPE. Your therapist and psychologist care and will support your healing. NOPE… Especially when you can’t afford the $ 65 – $120 bills. Maybe I should go down to the city and get a crack hooker who would at least act caring for the same amount and maybe get a stress relief out of it, for all the good the “professionals” have done.