5/12

Still feeling the same as yesterday. My son had his first chorus concert last night and I couldn’t get to it. Why? Because the same shrill b$%^h who wrote me the guilt note that spared no words to say what a shit human being and shit man and father I am. Her new husband is more of a man and a father than I ever was…

I didn’t ask for this life. I didn’t walk away, I was forced. By her and everyone else. I’ve cried out for help and support for these years because I just couldn’t do it all on my own. For some reason, I have this fucking stupid idea in my head that she cares for me, but is putting up this wall. Truth is, this is all her.

She was evil enough to quietly set it up behind my back and spring it on me without any compassion. She shrewdly lied and broke promises to me. Two weeks into it she left the card she got for him out that stated her love for him, more love than she has ever felt, wanting to spend the rest of her life with him. She was engaged a month after the separation and remarried days after the divorce was final. She turned all my acquaintances against me. She took everything and now talks to me like I was some nasty fuck that held her hostage for 20 years. Hate that I have no clue where it came from. But, I sit here thinking that she just let it get out of control. I keep waiting for the “honeymoon” phase to end and for her to at least realize what she did to a good man who sacrificed everything for her happiness.

That won’t happen

Thing is, I have a problem, an illness, that holds me back from healing and moving forward. No one gives a fuck. I’m no longer useful to any of them. I am already not comfortable with the new therapist I will be seeing. It will be two weeks until I do. She’s made more mention about the costs and getting paid, than why I was seeking help. She refuses to hear anything from me until that time and expressed that I fill out paperwork ASAP.  Maybe I am expecting too much. Maybe this is how the real world is. I just spent 20 years in a bubble where everything was bright and happy until it stopped abruptly for reasons I will never know. I was written off by everyone one I held dear and left in the desert alone with nothing. I can’t do it anymore.

September last year I thought I had turned a corner. I gave up smoking, lost 45 pounds, and was even exercising on a regular basis. I developed a confidence I never had. Then, in a matter of 3 weeks, I was told that I wasn’t religious enough by a self-proclaimed recovering drug addict and alcoholic who “found God”. I was told that I was too old by a woman 5 years younger. I was told that I wasn’t “financially set” and that I had too young of children to date. I spent yet another holiday alone with no salutations or visits. I was called creepy for asking a girl I knew for years for coffee.  I was straight off lied to by a woman, a friend, whom I had talked to from 2 months after the separation, almost daily, who professed that she would be there for me if she ever came back “home”. She did in December, a week before Christmas. I have never heard from her since. She hasn’t returned calls or texts, nothing. People wonder why I gave up. Why I don’t embrace this “new life”? Why do I feel too old and lost? Why I don’t do this or that?

Yeah, I’m important all right, important enough for people to have a reason to pat themselves on the back because their “words” and inspirational quotes, that one time, releases them of any quilt of me and says to the world that the 1 time they did so is more than enough.

I’m held here by the love of my children. I know full well, that I can no longer raise them how I wanted to, dreamt of, and hoped to. My relationship with them is completely changed because of her. Yet, even if had the money, I just wouldn’t be able to walk away from them or anyone else, as they have all done to me.

I know when my time comes and goes, besides the boys, that I won’t be remembered for nothing more than a failure who was just an annoyance because he never was a “man”, an adult, or just anything.