I had a different entry written, but I erased it. It’s just helping anymore, nothing is. In the last 4 years, I have climbed mountains only to summit and realize I have even more to climb. I realize we all do somewhat the same thing in life, but I’m done. I have reached a point where although it’s doable, I need help. I’ve done the meds, the therapy, the prayers, the breathing, the meditating, and the acceptance and absolutely nothing has seemed to change. No new (physically near) friends, old ones never came back, all the efforts to repair relationships I didn’t break have been for nothing.
I’m ok with me, I just don’t want to live a life alone and that is what the world seems to be pushing onto me. I realize I am to blame for everything. I didn’t do enough to keep Patty happy and secure. I was a shit brother and friend. I get it.