After Midnight

I can’t regulate right now. I’m slipping into anxiety attack mode and I’m really trying to calm myself.

I hate this. Over 3 years and I am suffering just the same. Wracked with miss placed guilt over not being able to keep Patty happy enough to stay with me. Wracked with guilt that I will never be the father I wanted to be for the boys. Unable to do anything and knowing I have to, to live. I just can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m a joke. I’m no real man. Who would want me? No one has ever regretted leaving me. I hear all the time how after break ups, the one who caused it has come back in some form, whether a crying phone call or a moment of weakness, but never for me. People leave me and burn everything to the ground and salt the earth, so nothing will ever grow again.

OK, I admit it, I suck at money. I never had plan. I’m always behind on stuff. I make stupid impulsive purchases and had barely any savings ever, but I loved with my whole heart. I was honorable and faithful.

It was never good enough. I just want to give up. I’ve reached the point where I can’t keep treading water anymore. I need help, but to get the help on my own is causing so much anxiety and guilt. I should commit myself to a 30 day program,  but I can’t because I have work responsibilities. I feel like I’d be further abandoning my kids. That my absence will causes other people’s life difficulties. I can’t afford to do that, even though I really should. I should have from day one.

I need someone stronger than me in my life, but someone who communicates their issues. It’s all fault. Ever since the day my 1st wife told me she was pregnant, I tried to do the right proper thing, but it wasn’t.  I was blamed for getting her pregnant. I was blamed for the divorce. I was told that I didn’t have to marry her by the same people that told me to take responsibility. I worked the long shitty job like a man should for his family only to watch my family be ripped away and given to another. Twice. I never properly grieved or dealt with things, because I was told to man up and shake them off. But I just never did.

It’s almost 1 in the morning and I am typing this on my phone with tears in my eyes for the 2000th time. I’m not saying someone has to do this for me, but everyone knows I am struggling and not one of them has even lifted a finger to help me at all.

I don’t want to live anymore and I wish that something would just end it. Die in my sleep. A heart attack. Stroke. A plane falling out of the sky on top of me. Something. I just don’t want to live this way. I want what I had back, I did nothing to have everything taken from me.