Again

I’ve probably wrote this about a thousand times, but here we go again.

I can’t seem to find a happy balance in my life anymore. It doesn’t help I am now unemployed, that only adds to the stress and anxiety. The one person I seem to be able to talk to, my oldest, can’t know that I lost my job and to everyone else it’s “oh well”

I once again tried to talk to my sister only to be shut down. Friends are all gone and I just got played by a woman for money. My fault, but sometimes fat, older bald guys with nothing going right in life just want to believe.

I hate that I don’t have anything. I have an apartment that just went up $35 a month, a truck just taunting me that it will shit the bed while I still owe 10k, and now no job.

Is it wrong of me to just want to live on unemployment for a couple months? Try to “discover” who I am meant to be other than everyone’s punchline. Try as I may, I just can’t get past being a loser and a failure.

Patty could have tried and if she was determined to divorce could have been more civil and caring. That sounds stupid, but you would expect an abusive horrible marriage to end like ours did, but ours was nothing like that. Maybe she held resentments,  but she never told me, just smiled and acted as she loved me up until the morning of the day. I am some sort of pariah now, not just to her, but everyone I considered important and eventhough I should just say fuck them, I can’t get past the why. I don’t care what people say, when you’re in a position like I am, you need someone’s help. Sure, if I walked away with money saved and the ability to pick right up in life, but I didn’t and I am paying constantly for it. I get a job and save the business, train another to do my position and then take on sales and various troubleshooting things. I bust my ass for apparently no one because I am the one laid off. Not then who could easily retire tomorrow or the 2 income woman who could snap and have a new job in days. Me, the loser, the broken man who pissed away 30 years of living.

Oh, how I wish that some money could fall from the sky. I could get my knees fixed, pay off the anchor car loan, and maybe get a better place near the boys where I could see them more then a 1 or 2 day weekend. I’ve seen it happen for shitty people.  My friend Tony for instance. Quit paying rent at the trailer park he lived years back. Was evicted, but they pulled his trailer 2 days before the agreed date. Guess who got 16k and didn’t pay back rent? Or how he went into corrections and quit for 10 years, went back, got time served and back pay. Or my other friend Sean who never has done a note worthy thing since 1994, just happens to fall into a relationship with a woman who is a professor and sugar mommas him. WTF. All the years of honesty, loyalty, and ass busting and I am on the edge of welfare or disability.