Bitter

I had a revelation last night. That happens a lot when you’re constantly alone with your thoughts. As much as I miss my life as it used to be and the people in it, I am very bitter toward everyone who gets to have what I so wanted for myself. Doesn’t matter if it’s in the real world or on a television show. An old friend of mine, one of those who left me standing with my troubles, got remarried for the 4th time. Yup, 4 times. He pissed away 3 other marriages and families, but there were 50+ people all congratulating him on Facebook. Don’t get me wrong, it’s great for him, but I have no understanding of why the world gives a man who never put any effort into being a father or a decent person countless chances and opportunities and I am bitter. They say that I shouldn’t be bitter and be happy for people that find love and stuff, but why? Why should I be happy for a person who sucked me dry of friendship when he needed one, but couldn’t spare one moment for me in the last 4 years to at least “cheer me up”? Why should I be happy for my ex because she has found stability in life by destroying mine? I don’t understand this whole process.

I’m not jealous, I’m bitter. I hate that it feels like for the last 30+ years of my life all my efforts, sacrifices, blood, sweat, and tears were for others. Everything I built and fought for was just handed over to someone else. Yeah, I’m sure the ex’s new husband brought something to the table, but it was my table. He got a home, the love of my ex, and influence over 4 beautiful children. He has my possessions, my tools, my BBQ, my lawn mower, my snow blower, and everything a man would want. My remarried friend isn’t much different. Here is a guy who has doped his way through life and then “poof” life gives him a relationship with a woman who is a well-off professional. She owns a home and makes enough so he can sit around and play the PS5 which she bought him in between joints. I know what you’re thinking too, no she is younger than him and not a hideous “no one will love me so I put up with it” type.

I do realize that I do this all to myself. I create the “issues” that I feel are unfair. The only nefarious things going on are all my doing. No one has ever set out to “fuck” me over. It is me making the guilt I suffer from. I’m just bitter because I have put all the effort into the world, the love, and all of me and I have nothing to show for any of it, and everyone around me gives me shit about it. I am sure that there are people who have it even worse, but I don’t know them, I know the ones who tell me they had troubles.

But did they?

Did Nichole, the cute short brunette who can’t sneeze without it hitting any number of people who have lined up to help her really have the same issue? When all of her friends and family fell over themselves for her, was she really feeling so alone she would rather be dead? Did these “hard days” occur between the parties or the dates?

Sean, did he feel so left out and depressed when people went out of their way to give him a 50th birthday party after he “left” his last wife because she was mean and told him to get a job? Should I listen to his “best life” advice as he constantly gets helped up?

Maybe Jodi, who tells a good tale of infidelity by a man she really didn’t want, who left her, giving her the house and the children, maybe she understands my predicament? I mean I lost everything and had no home for over 3 weeks and was left completely alone and abandoned by friends and family, it’s exactly the same thing and I should just “get over it” like they all did, hey, life goes on, look how fast thing became better for them, right?

I just have a piss poor attitude, that’s all. I should see the couple who worked through their problems and smile because it is possible, but just not for me. I should be happy for the person who never did a single thing in his life but has a loving wife and friends who will do anything for him. I should admire the pretty woman who lost her job because the business closed and had a jerky boyfriend, but within a day’s time had several men helping her and friends giving her a room to stay in for her to get back on her feet. You see, all I am missing is hope. If I would have just believed more and prayed harder.