Doing the work part 2

The last couple of entries have come off as me blaming the world for all my issues and bad luck, but that’s not what I have been saying at all. When I was a child I didn’t have the wherewithal to understand what all my influences were doing to me. I believed that I was the correct version of myself.  I shook off the breakups and never happens as the other person’s fault. They had the issues and problems, not me. They were being cruel so they could look at themselves in the mirror and tell themselves they were better than me.

I wanted the closeness of “brotherly love” from my 2 brothers, but they were always stand-offish and distant. They were somewhat cruel and never stood up for me when their friends would pick on me, make fun of me, and be physical with me. I made two friends, Tony and Sean, to fill the hole my brothers left in me and I have come to realize I just replaced my treatment of my brothers with two “friends” that were exactly the same. I had other friends and now that I think about it, better friends, but I could never see my nose in front of my face. Because of my own doing, I am to blame for my social emptiness.

The truth is, it’s been all my fault from day one. By trying to please everyone, I was digging my own hole. By forcing myself onto the people in my life, I have never known the “feel” of someone coming into it on their own. People have, but I was too stupid and blind to see and it has made me a lost and broken man. This is what I am trying to understand and come to grips with by writing these “Doing the Work” entries.

 

To be continued…

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2 weeks ago

I’ve struggled a lot with feeling socially on the outskirts, constantly wondering why I’m not included in events and gatherings, wondering why others have huge friend groups and I don’t.  I sympathize a lot with the entries you’ve written where you feel the same.  I’ve done a lot of work, looking at my own culpability in how my life looks, including my social life.  I’m definitely still not there.  One thing I’ve noticed is that I tend to either choose people that aren’t capable of what I’m looking for in terms of effort and connection or people that already have a lot of others in their lives and don’t have me as high on their “list” as I have put them on mine.  Like, I’ll see them as one of my two or three closest local friends and they see me as way down in the work friends category and someone they don’t really think about spending a ton of time with outside of work because they already have family and childhood besties that take priority.  I have to remind myself that sometimes the people that I didn’t think to extend myself to might actually be much more available, and to pay attention to who is making overtures that I might have missed.  Be open to making friends in places I didn’t think to.  But GOD it’s hard, isn’t it?

2 weeks ago

I’m proud of you for doing the work :)))

I honestly just give up on making friends lol I can’t do it. I’m way too socially awkward and shy. I’ve always wanted to be that girl that has all these awesome friend groups and is liked by everyone but even now that being on medication has helped me a little bit in terms of talking to people, I’m no where near that status. And now I feel like at my age, what’s the point anymore. I’ve been talking to myself for so long now to the point that I’m doing it in public. So, I’m a lost cause.

1 week ago

@wineandcoffee people suck. I know that sounds like everyone,  but it isn’t everyone. The ones I have come to know here are friends. You are my friend. It uses to be I could walk around, head held high and radiate confidence, but that doesn’t work anymore. So, I’m taking baby steps. I got back on to Facebook and told everyone here how to find me. It does help to tell me your “code name” so I don’t think you’re a random fill my friend count.

Would I prefer real, live, friends I could hang with, have coffee, sure, but it’s not happening right now. In the meantime, you have the people here to help build a foundation.

@newt316 thank you for considering me a friend of yours 🙂 I appreciate that