Doing the work part 4

Yesterday evening, I felt a loss of control of my feelings coming on. I soldiered through, but it just reminded me that I have no real social life for distraction. Buffalo/WNY area has absolutely nothing on MeetUp. Most everything is online or across the border in Canada. I’ve never been a “bar” person, especially the club type with standing room only. I didn’t mind going to the bar in the village I used to live in, but they are too far away and I would definitely bump into someone who will rile me up. As I have said before, the neighbors in my complex are essentially horrible. I know that’s bad to say, but I’ve been here almost 3 years and have tried to meet and greet these people and they’re just the dregs of humanity. God, I wish I could afford a house or even a trailer with a plot of land to keep me busy. I’m definitely not throwing money into a place that is not my own.

I went back on Facebook to “reconnect”. I love the fact that I have become FB friends with some of you (of course, I’m still unsure who you may be because I only know you for your OD name) Not that I am naive, but I just thought a few of the “old” crowd would be excited to see me back and would at least want to get together since it’s summer. I did take the chance to ask one of them out to a “friendly” dinner to catch up, but somehow that led to the “I just started seeing someone” response, which in no way had anything with what I said, but God knows what has been said and passed around town about me from Patty, her “husband”, and the yenta friends of hers. Not to be too “trollish” but I’ve noticed a bunch of “my friends” are now her’s and making all kinds of comments on her “new life” posts. I have blocked her, I just had that “I wonder” moment and I realized that I shouldn’t have even looked. But really, traitors…

Tomorrow would have been my anniversary and Friday is my youngest’s birthday, so this week is hard anyway. Of course, I have not been invited to the “family” party my sister is having. I guess my presence at that would be uncomfortable for Patty and Ed. I will have him on Saturday and Sunday though, so we will have our own thing, but…

I’m starting to rethink the MGTOW thing. Well at least the FB group I got in. You see, I don’t hate women and I don’t expect them to be as they were supposedly pre-1900s, but I do agree on how it’s become tough to be a man these days, and dare I say it, a white man. Having been a victim of a made-up harassment case and on the losing end of divorce and support judgments that were based on lies, I feel the MGTOW agenda.  I just can’t be as militant as some of these guys. Like almost every conversation today where someone will always be the dick in a conversation just to be that, this group is totally like that. You would think that a group based on “traditional” men’s rights would be a little less “woke” but not this one and isn’t the thought of being a traditional manly man totally the opposite of most woke thoughts? IDK, I guess I’m just a dinosaur. I don’t go out of my way to oppress or make fun of marginal people and races, but I do believe in the old saying, “Sticks and stone will break my bones, but names will never hurt me”

Anyway, what have I done today towards my goal? I got through some of the saddest poor-me songs on my Spotify without tearing up or thinking about how “that’s exactly how I feel”. That’s actually a big thing for me as silly as it seems. I have a rant building in my head that I will not write about or comment on FB about, there’s that. I feel a bit lighter even though I don’t look it.