Dreams

Yet another night of dreams and reminders that I’m not worth dick to anyone. It was a nice few hours with the boys, but reality hit back extremely hard.

So where is life sitting for me.

The one person I gave everything to, dropped me like I was nothing, along with friends and family members.

Life of course went on for people. In fact, it went on so quickly that nobody noticed or cared.

I’m atleast now $50000 in debt for things I can’t say are mine. When and if I get it paid I will have nothing to show for it. Others will though. A woman who cheated and lied, a man who made no effort for it, someone who bought the vehicle at auction.

I thought I finally made a friend and it’s been almost a week since I’ve heard from them, so….

My job is in question because of a word I said in anger, to myself that someone took offense at and made it into a direct attack on him and now feels unsafe. A man who has 70 pounds on me who could break me like a stick.

I can’t find help. Somehow I make too much for social help and I just can’t bring myself to go to food banks or charity places because there are m people more in need then me.

 

I really don’t know why I keep writing. Sure $3.99 a month to do it here isn’t breaking me. I just regurgitate the same shit every day. Sure the few nice words and support helps, but I have to live with me and everything I have tried over these few years have done nothing to help me. The therapist all say the same things never really answering only taking my issues and twisting them into different ones for me to figure out, which if I could I wouldn’t be there in the first place.

Maybe it really is time to give up. Relieve the few people who do worry for me.

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2 weeks ago

As the good Julian of Norwich said, “All will be well and all will be well and all manner of things shall be well.”

2 weeks ago

So, when will you know something about your job?  I swear it’s getting to where everything we say is going to offend someone.  This shouldn’t cause the loss of a job!!

I definitely think you should go to the food bank.  There is so shame in that.  Landon has a food stamp card and I’m so happy to have that.  If it came down to being hungry or going to the food bank, I’d gladly go.  Just do it.

Please do not stop writing.

2 weeks ago

I’m sorry you didn’t have a great Fathers Day.  How old are your kids?  would it help if one lived with you?

2 weeks ago

@strawberryjelly I asked and they say they just don’t want to leave each other.

2 weeks ago

@newt316 maybe in time they will change their minds and maybe both would want to come be with you.