Hard truths???

After yet another night of “dreams” where I came out the loser yet again, I’ve come to the realization that it has been me all along. Lately, with all the Alpha, Beta, and Sigma men talk and the whole MGTOW stuff, I’m just none of those. Yes, I’m not even a Beta male. I think I fall into another category.

 

Patty must have suffered in silence for years with me. My “woe is me” attitude about not being someone better for her and the kids. The fact I wasn’t an assertive a-hole to anyone. Not a super take charge person. Guilty about not doing more with the past. Essentially being a person that only his mother could love and even though my Mother always did, the last 3 years of her life were spent in dementia and Alzheimer’s fog and most days I was called horrible things, told I shouldn’t have been born, and constantly hit by my Mom. Patty lived through that too, I realize that, and besides me, no one in my family ever thanked her. Why should she have any more loyalty to the “Newton” side?

As far as I know, even if it seems to me that he’s a waste, her “new” husband is mostly what women want but say they don’t. He’s one of those “Named” men. He can afford to be. He was 56yrs old when they got together, she was 38. He had years to fuck up his life and relationships, which as far as I know he did. Yet, he was selfish enough, unlike me, to not consider anyone else’s feelings when he pounced on a married woman going through a “down” time in her marriage where decent people would have explained to her there are rough patches and they can be worked through. Oh, I’m sure he loves her, nowhere near how I do, but he does. I am sure he has affection and cares for my kids, they’re good kids. I am sure he has taken this 2nd, 3rd, or 54th chance God has given him and did it right this time. As they say, “some guys have all the luck, some guys get all the pain” or at least Rod Stewart does.

 

I have always believed dreams were “escapes” with an occasional nightmare, but mine have all been stark reminders that I fucked up and lost everything. My love, her respect, and everyone else too. It doesn’t make any difference that my waking hours are filled with regret and what ifs, I have to have a 24/7 cycle.

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2 days ago

I really think you would benefit from some therapy.  You are just as important and worthwhile person as anyone out there.  Including the guy who stole your wife.

2 days ago

@novembercirese I do therapy, it helps, but you can only tend a garden only so long without seeing any flowers before you just want to give up trying. I have made friends, you for example, but they are all online. I’ve seen some and “real-time” texted them, but as far as sitting down for coffee/beer chat and having dinner or playing a game, that just doesn’t seem to want to happen no matter how hard I have tried. Like the garden example I wrote, I’ve become comfortable with myself. No, I don’t think I will ever love myself, but we’re good. I’ve attempted to be the strong silent type, but nothing. The traditional gentleman,  also nothing. I have made apologetic calls to friends and family, for things I didn’t do to them, but nevertheless, I fell at their feet for forgiveness just to feel normal again, yet nothing.  It’s been the hardest thing accepting that my life, as I knew it, changed one day in January 2019 in the manner of hours.

2 days ago

That had to have been so so hard going through that with your mother…I can’t imagine how much it hurt to see her like that.

2 days ago

That is really rough about your mom. I’m so sorry.

2 days ago

That must have been hard to deal with with your mom.  She didn’t mean it, try to remember her before dementia if possible, that was the real her.  (I don’t know if that version of her was any better, but I like to imagine it was!)

Try to move on from your ex-wife.  You aren’t dead yet.  You can always start fresh, you just have to want it.  I know that can be hard… but time heals all.