Hate

I’m embracing the hate from now on. I hate people. I hate those who have turned their backs on me for their own selfish reasons. I hate those who used me and pushed me in front of a bus to improve their own lives. I hate my “friends” that have abandoned me when I needed them the most. I hate my brothers and sister for not being, loving siblings like I have had them my entire life. I am the baby of the family and I have always looked up to them and attempted to do everything I could for them. I hate my co-workers who put the blame for their fuck-ups on me and play games with me like yesterday. I hate my neighbors for being the absolute fucks of humanity. The one to the right of me who proclaims how she is a “professional” dog trainer but has no control over her dog and the one she watches as they slam against the door or window of her apartment, viciously growling and barking at anyone who walks by. I hate the other ones who glare and whisper about me as I walk by. I hate people in general, rude asshats at the store, on the roads, and in general.

Most of all, I hate myself. My looks. My health. My life. I hate I have never selfishly taken advantage of anyone to get what I want. I hate that I cared too much to leave anyone broken, because of money. I hate myself because I am not good enough for anyone to stand up for me when others lie and damage my reputation when they know that it’s just not true. I hate myself because everything I have done over the course of the 51 years I have lived to improve myself, has crumbled at my feet.

This whole thing, open diary, has done nothing to help me. I have said the something thing, over and over since I joined, in different ways to no avail.  All of you who have made comments, thank you from the bottom of what’s left of my heart.