Hope
There’s a part of me wanting so bad to be someone new, someone different, but I’m held back by the past. By responsibilities that seem as though no one else have. Morals and ethics are supposed to be important, everyone says they are, but at the end of the day, only the person who is moral and ethical loses.
HERE WE GO AGAIN
I spent most of my adult life trying to do the right thing. Never selfishly thinking of myself and now I am paying for it and all they can say is, I brought it on myself. I just don’t want to feel guilty anymore for doing what everyone else does, living my life. Everything I do is the wrong thing. Don’t pay a bill to pay a bigger one, ” You’re so irresponsible.” Can’t get my boys for the weekend because I only have just enough gas to get back and forth to work, “You don’t love your boys enough.” People put me in spots and complain and yell that I’m in that spot. Patty took everything, without one spread of respect or an ounce of guilt and now calls me a poor scumbag, knowing full well she kicked me into the pit. Now I’m judged. I’m judged by banks as a risk so I can’t get a loan that could change my life. I’m judged by women on dating sites when they want to know me. I’m supposed to be this man everyone wants, but I never seem to fulfill. I was a loving father and husband, no good enough. I was a caring brother, not good enough. I was a best friend, not good enough. I am a hard worker, not good enough.
It seems my life is nothing but dominoes and egg shells and any direction is the wrong move.
I have always accepted my responsibilities, but I’m tired of also having responsibilities heaped on me from people who shirk theirs.
I’m sick of writing these everyday as I am sure people are sick of reading the same whiney things everyday. I guess all along it is me. I am to blame for my and others bad lives. The cruelest thing is I am too oblivious to see that I have dragged people down all my life and most are worse off from knowing me.
Let me try this again. I made some mistakes in my first try and they don’t let you edit, so I deleted…….I’m not going to remember everything I said, so I will just ask you a question: This entry is entitled HOPE. Does that mean that you are feeling some today?
@catholicchristian Honestly what I wrote went in a totally different direction than what had originally wanted to say, which itself wasn’t all the “hopeful “
@newt316 That makes sense. That frequently happens to me, too. Because of that, I frequently wait until I’m finished before I title it.
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It doesn’t matter if people are sick of reading the “same whiney things everyday.” First and foremost, this is YOUR diary. Write what you want and don’t worry about what people in HERE think—you’ve got enough on your back already. You don’t need to welcome more! Who cares what anybody here thinks? Now, the question is—is there anybody else who you can pull off your back that you’ve got on there. It might not be easy, but do you really HAVE to care what Patty thinks. After all, she was the one that bounced, not you! Of course, you’re always going to worry about what your boys think, but there’s only so much you can humanly do. Once you’ve done it, you’ve got to let go and remind yourself you’ve done all you can. Same with your brother. You are only one human being with very limited resources. It seems to me you need to also forgive yourself for being human.
@heavenssake 😚🤗
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Nope, I do not get tired of reading your honest feelings. If you need to type it all out everyday, then I will read it every day.
@happyathome 😚
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