I am

I am a shit human. I just sit around watching the world go by. I can’t bring myself to be part of it.

I am a shit father, I guess I have always been. I constantly talk about missing my children. All the things I wished I would have done, but didn’t. Making excuses instead of doing everything I possibly can even though I have been put into a position where I can’t.

I am a shit brother. I should do exactly what my brothers and sister tell me. As my sister constantly tells me, if I would have only listen to her advice, which never happened,  I would be ok.

I am a shit friend. I worry about what they think of me and expect they care enough for me after 40+ years. Their lives have always been more important than mine. If I so much as said one thing to them that they do to me, I would be made into the biggest uncaring asshole.

I can’t do the things people want me to and judge me on. I literally can not. I had exactly $40 left this week and that went into gas for the week to get to work and hand to God, it will only last that long.

I don’t have fancy stuff. I haven’t bought sneakers in over 2 years or new clothes.

I can’t do life on my own, but the world, fate, or God’s plan is making me have to, but it’s not working. I know this by the fact Patty trashed me the way she did. I know this because of how my family treats me. I know this because of how my friends have treated me since day one. I know this because my sons never call, text, or send me letters. I have managed to survive losing everything and going from living in my car when no one would even offer a couch to now, a meager existence where buying a candy bar throws all my utility bills off.

I hate me. I don’t blame them for hating me too.

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5 days ago